


The Weight Of It All

by vg16



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:22:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8348956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vg16/pseuds/vg16
Summary: Non AU. After waking up in a lonely hotel room following a drunk Sunday night at a bar, Tobin doesn't know if she's ready to accept what happened the previous night, because of the weight that comes with it.





	1. Weight Of It All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jazhrmny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazhrmny/gifts).



> Hey everyone! This is my first time ever writing something and posting it, and English is not my first language so... please don't be too hard on me!
> 
> This is based on Handsome Ghost's song Weight Of It All, so in case you want to you can give it a listen ;)

 Tobin wakes up with a pounding headache. She groans as she turns around in the bed and realizes that she’s not wearing anything. Suddenly, she’s very alert and when she looks around, taking in her surroundings, she’s very confused. _What the hell? It can’t be that I… no way._ She’s in a hotel room by herself, the side of the bed next to her empty, which confuses her even more. _Did I even sleep with anyone? Why are they not here?_

She realizes that she _must_ have slept with someone, telling by the slight soreness between her legs. _Fuck, I’m screwed._  

When she looks at the bedside table next to her while searching for her phone, she sees a  bottle of water and two Advil pills. Tobin catches a sight of her phone sitting next to the bottle but decides that she rather take the painkillers first. She sighs, uncapping the bottle and swallowing both pills with a few gulps of water. _Well, whoever I slept with is a real life saver._

After placing the bottle on the table again, she picks her phone and is surprised to find a small note underneath it.

_I hope these help you, I’m sure you’ll need them._

Tobin is _almost_ sure of whose handwriting it was. Almost. And that’s mostly because she’s a little scared of what being _completely_ sure about it would imply.

Tobin looks at the bottle on the bedside table again and a small smile makes its way onto her lips. _It fits though. It’s just_ so _her to do something this thoughtful._

And not only did it fit because Christen is caring. It made a lot of sense, actually, when Tobin’s mind reflects on the previous night. Or at least what she _remembers_ of it.

The Red Stars had come to Portland for their second and last game of the season against them on August 9, which, fortunately for Tobin and unfortunately for Christen, the Thorns had won with the two goals Allie had scored for them, even though Alyssa Mautz had scored for Chicago first.

Despite their loss, though, the Chicago team had accepted to go out with the northwestern team and that’s how they all found themselves in a bar on a Sunday night. 

Tobin wasn’t sure what it was that was pulling her toward a certain brunette striker, but she couldn’t find the strength to stop herself. And the alcohol was probably not helping her either. If anything, it was a catalyst, lowering her inhibitions and making her a lot less subtle about her already not-so-subtle approach to the grey-eyed girl.

It seemed as though she was not the only one feeling the attraction, though.  

Christen would laugh at any joke Tobin would make, no matter how terrible it was. She’d run her fingers lightly through Tobin’s forearm while her nose crinkled and she threw her head back a little, her hair falling down her shoulders and her laughter filling Tobin’s ears, making the older girl smile contentedly. 

She’d get closer than usual to Tobin’s face, staring at her intensely and listening attentively to everything she was telling her, Christen’s eyes dropping down to Tobin’s lips for the briefest of moments before refocusing on her face, roaming through her features with such a ferocity that told Tobin everything she needed to know. _It’s not just me._

Tobin drank a lot though. Too much. Everything her teammates would offer her, she’d take.

After three beers, four tequila shots and too many cocktails to remember, but surely more than six, Tobin was a mess. She was not one to usually drink too much, and this amount of alcohol turned her world upside down.

Christen, on the other hand, was not as wasted as Tobin but was definitely not sober at all. _I wonder if she regrets this. Fuck, this is why I shouldn’t drink too much._

Here, in a hotel room, all by herself she regrets having drunk so much. Not only because of the terrible headache that she has, but because she can’t remember anything that happened with Christen. But she knows she wants to remember it. So she closes her eyes and massages her temples, thinking about the latest events that she did recall.

 _We were sitting together at the bar chatting. Then I said it was too hot inside and that I needed to go out for some fresh air. So she offered to help me walk outside so I wouldn’t stumble too much and fall or something… I mean, after all I_ was _a mess. And once we were on the street she offered to take me home but I told her I didn’t want to go home. And then…_

And then she remembers. 

She remembers that she grabbed Christen’s hand and pulled her closer to her body clumsily, somehow managing to keep both of her feet on the ground once their fronts were pressed flushed together. 

She remembers the way Christen placed her arms around Tobin’s waist to steady her as Tobin put hers around Christen’s neck. She remembers the way Christen’s breath felt over her lips before Tobin confessed to her what had been on her mind since the beginning of the night. _I don’t want to go home, Chris. I don't want to because I want to spend the rest of the night with you._  

She remembers the way Christen’s grey eyes were boring into hers so fiercely that Tobin’s knees suddenly felt weak, before they closed and the brunette sighed deeply, leaning into Tobin slowly. She can practically still feel Christen’s lips ghosting over hers so lightly, as if asking Tobin if she was really okay with this, reassuring her that above all, if she wanted to, she could still back off. That she would understand. That she wouldn’t get mad. Although Tobin was pretty sure that Christen would be at least a _little_ bit pissed, if the way Christen’s arms squeezed Tobin’s waist in a somewhat needy way was to say anything.

Tobin couldn’t resist it anymore, so she leaned in and kissed Christen. Or maybe it was Christen who kissed her after all of her self-control finally wore off. Tobin’s not sure of who initiated the kiss and she’ll probably never be, but what she _is_ sure of is that she had never been kissed like that, lips connecting with such a passion, such a desire that there was no doubt of what was going to take place later. 

Funnily enough, Tobin doesn’t remember how they got to the hotel. And that was probably due to the fact that she was too focused on feeling Christen’s lips on hers, Christen’s tongue exploring her mouth with such a dexterity that she had never known existed, while they were on the cab. Tobin couldn’t bring herself to care about what the driver could possibly think because this was _Christen Press_ she was kissing, and she didn’t know how much she had been yearning to do it up until then.

She shudders when she finally recalls what happened at the hotel room. 

Sweaty, beautiful, bare tanned skin everywhere. Christen’s moans when Tobin’s mouth worked on her breasts. The way she clung onto Tobin’s hair for dear life while shamelessly grinding onto her face when she was going down on her. And Christen returning the favor by plunging three of her long fingers in and out of Tobin while massaging Tobin’s clit with her tongue and staring up at her hungrily, like Tobin was an oasis and she hadn’t had a single drop of water in days.

Tobin’s phone rings and it startles her.

When she grabs it to see who’s calling, her heart skips a beat and her mind goes blank. 

 _What the… why is she calling me? What do I say? Should I act normal? Should I pretend last night didn’t happen? I’m so turned on right now that I don’t think I can pretend that we didn’t do_ that _. And that would probably hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her. Ugh, I’m such a mess._

Tobin somehow manages to swipe her finger across the screen before her phone stops ringing while her thoughts run all over the place.

“Hello?” she says, her voice wavering the slightest bit in the last syllable. She frowns a little and clears her throat.

“Hey Tobs. Wow, I didn’t think you’d be up yet. Did I wake you?” Christen questions, and she sounds tired but also concerned and the tiniest bit apologetical.

“No, no. I’ve been awake for a bit now,” Tobin states, her voice raspier than usual, hoarse even. She wonders if it has anything to do with the previous night, and the thought alone makes her blush furiously. _There’s no doubt it has to do with that._  

“Oh,” Christen says, and she sounds a little surprised. “Did you find the pills I left for you?” She asks, and the confirmation that it was indeed Christen who left them for Tobin made her heart flutter a little but it also terrified a part of her. Christen was _acknowledging_ what had taken place, and Tobin wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Yeah, I did. Thank you Chris, that was very sweet of you.” Tobin found herself saying through her inner turmoil. 

“Don’t worry Tobs. It’s nothing, really.” Christen says dismissively, as though it was no big deal even though it _was_ to Tobin. _That’s pretty dumb, this was probably just a one time thing. Though that’s probably why it feels special that she did that._ Or maybe it was just because it was _Christen_ and anything Christen did, Tobin found endearing. 

Tobin is out of words, thinking of something, _anything_ to say to fill the awkward silence that came over the line, but she couldn’t come up with anything. She can hear the rustling of people on the other end and Christen’s relaxed breathing, and she wonders where the brunette is. She hears Christen clear her throat.

“So… how are you feeling?” Christen asks. Her voice is calm and reassuring, and she’s being her usual self, which relieves Tobin a little bit. 

“A little sore, actually,” Tobin blurts out without thinking, and just as the words leave her mouth, she feels like face-palming herself. _Why the fuck did I say that?! My brain’s definitely not working this morning._

“What do you…” Christen says, before realizing what Tobin meant. “Oh. Well… I’m sorry about that,” She says, and by her tone Tobin can tell that she’s probably just as embarrassed about it as she is. “I was actually just wondering if  you had a killer headache or something when I asked.” Christen clarified, sounding a little bit amused despite herself.

“Oh. Uhh, it’s not as bad as when I woke up,” Tobin knows her cheeks are flaming red and thanks god that Christen can’t see her. “So thank you again.” Tobin says, feeling somewhat vulnerable.

“I’m glad,” Christen mumbles and Tobin can hear the smile in her voice. “And stop thanking me, it makes me…” Christen doesn’t finish her sentence but Tobin just _knows_ what she was about to say. _It makes her feel special. Well, she_ is _somewhat special._

“Chris, why… why weren’t you— I mean, I don’t want to be— it’s not like—” Tobin stutters, and she takes a deep breath, composing herself before just asking what she was going for in the first place. “Why weren’t you here when I woke up?” She finally asks. She sounds distraught, and she feels more exposed in that moment than when she was laying naked with her legs wide open at Christen’s mercy the night before, the neediness in her voice foreign to her.  

She seemingly catches Christen off-guard. Several seconds pass and Tobin has to draw her phone away from her face to make sure the striker is still on the other end. _Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her that._

“I had to come to the hotel to pack,” Christen explains, sighing, her voice still serene but with a little hint of frustration evident in her tone, “I have a flight in a little over three hours. Tobin, I really wanted to—” Christen stops abruptly and sighs again, “Last night was amazing,” she ends up saying, and Tobin panics a bit, sensing where this is going. _Yeah, this is where it ends. We fucked up. This was a mistake._  

“It was,” Tobin says, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. She ends up saying it mainly because it was a fact, but also because she wants to let Christen know that she enjoyed it. And Tobin knows that Christen knows that Tobin wouldn’t have admitted it if it didn’t hold some type of meaning to her.

“Hey, Tobs, listen. We— I don’t regret last night, okay? Not one bit.” Christen says, trying to ease Tobin’s doubts and surprisingly succeeding, “But we need to talk about it. You know _why._ ” She pauses for a moment and Tobin frowns. _I can’t believe I actually forgot about that._ “And I know it’s a hard thing to do and it’ll probably be awkward but we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” Christen finishes, and Tobin knows that she’s right. The have a lot of things left to figure out. _She_ has a lot of things to figure out. 

“How do you always know the right things to say?” Tobin wonders aloud, and she’s amazed but also amused and somewhat glad that it was Christen Press that she had sex with and not someone else. 

“Maybe my innate talent of overthinking stuff has something to do with that,” Christen retorts lightheartedly, chuckling, and Tobin can’t hold back the laugh that escapes her lips. _This girl is something else._  

“Okay, so… when?” Tobin inquires as she lays back in the hotel bed and closes her eyes, finally relaxing since she woke up.

“Well, we’ll have to meet for camp this week…” Christen replied, not wanting to get into any details and Tobin knows _why._

“Right. I’d actually forgotten about it,” Tobin admits, quite surprised with herself.

  
“Seriously?” Christen replies, just as taken aback by Tobin’s statement.

“Yeah, I’m just kind of out of it today. I don’t even know what time it is. And I wasn’t looking forward to that game anyways.” Tobin confesses lazily as she lets out a yawn, not even wanting to glance at her phone for the time.

“Oh Tobin, you can’t remember schedules for your own life, can you now?” Christen states more than asks in a fit of giggles, and she sounds quite endeared, “Okay, I have to go Tobs. And it’s 11:37, by the way.” Christen says and Tobin feels a little upset that that’s probably the only interaction they’ll share until they see each other again. 

“Oh, alright Chris, have a safe flight. See ya!” Tobin tries to express as cheerfully as she can manage while hiding her disappointment, before her thumb hovers above the end.

“Tobin!” Christen squeaks a little hurriedly, “There’s this one last thing I need to say before I go,” she mutters, and she sounds almost nervous.

“You can tell me,” Tobin coaxes, as she waits patiently while Christen formulates whatever it is she wants to say to Tobin.

Tobin’s patience starts wearing thin, so she looks at her phone screen only to see it’s completely dark. She presses the home and then the lock button, but there’s no doubt. Her phone had died.

“FUCK!” Tobin shouts out irritatedly, throwing the device on the bed, utterly annoyed at herself for not having checked how much battery she had earlier.

She sighs and brings her fingers up to massage her temples again, her headache a lot more prominent after her little outburst. 

She decides that if she was going to mope around over never knowing what Christen was going to tell her, she’d prefer to do so in a familiar place. So she gets up and starts to get ready to go home.

*

 

A little after noon found Tobin at Allie’s apartment, which turned out to be just blocks away from the hotel she and Christen stayed in.

She leaves her phone charging on the kitchen counter while she sits on Allie’s couch with her, telling her everything she needs to know about the previous night (all of which was already pretty obvious to the blonde) and about their conversation earlier in the morning.

“Okay,I must say that I wouldn’t have expected _her_ to be the one to keep her composure with this whole situation going on between you two, Harry” Allie says, a little surprised by what Tobin told her about Christen calling her in the morning.

“It’s not as though I was’t going to know what to do under these circumstances, Harry,” Tobin tried to defend herself, but she knew that it was a big lie.

“Oh, come _on_ Harry, I bet you became a nervous wreck when you saw it was _her_ calling you this morning,” Allie said knowingly, and Tobin rolled her eyes at her. _Of course she’d know my exact reaction._

“Okay, yeah, I did. But she’s my teammate and also my friend, and what we did last night could’ve ruined that and I had just woken up with what was probably the worst hangover I’ve ever had, so can you blame me?” Tobin explained, trying to justify herself.

 “I get it, Harry, no need to exert yourself that much with words,” Allie reassured her, “but what about what she wanted to say to you at the end? Do you have any idea of what it could be?” Allie questioned, too curious for her own sake.

 “No, but she sounded a little nervous so it was probably important,” Tobin explains, “shit, I hate myself so much for not charging my phone before going out last night Harry, you have no idea of how much I want to know what she had to say,” she states exasperatedly. 

 “Oh, even _I_ want to know what she had to say, Harry, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you,” Allie replied, looking at Tobin pitifully.

 “What’s worse is that I still have to end things for good with…” Tobin blurts out, and starts to hate the fact that she seemingly can’t keep any of her thoughts to herself.

 “Tobin Powell Heath,” Allie says, shocked but also gravely irritated, “There is no way you two still haven’t broken up for good.” Allie says, looking at Tobin with wide eyes, unbelievingly.

 “I just haven’t really had the time— with the World Cup, and the season, and now the Victory Tour but— I’ve tried, you know? I have _really_ tried, but every time I’d bring up the ‘break’ we decided to take, she’d shush me and tell me that I just need _more_ time to open my eyes and see things the way they are, which is just plainly stupid to be honest. But you know that I hate conflict, Allie,” Tobin says urgently, and Allie stares and listens to her attentively, nodding at her and indicating Tobin that she understands where she’s coming from, “So I’d just shut up and decide that I would do it another day. And well, here I am today,” Tobin says, gesturing to herself and throwing her head back on the couch’s backrest. 

 “Oh, Harry. I’m forced to give you some advice that you probably won’t follow, but it’s my duty as your best friend. And I need to know how you feel to do that, so I’m going to ask you some questions.” She says, sighing and somehow looking at Tobin sternly but softly at the same time.

 “Okay, shoot,” Tobin retorts, closing her eyes and dreading the fact that they have practice at 3 and she can’t skip since they have an away game against Kansas City in two days. She finds herself longing to stay in bed and sleep for what is left of the day to stop thinking about her emotional distress and to rest her exhausted body. _I’m never drinking on a Sunday again._

 “First of all, I know that you and Shirley have been on this break for a bit now, and that break may have come with some rules you two have probably made some agreements on…” Allie starts, leaving it hanging there for a moment to let Tobin know where she’s headed, “so I have to ask you… did you two agree that it was okay to see other people, or like have sex with other people while you two were on this break?” Allie asks, and Tobin can’t help but feel a little bit guilty.

 “Not really… but it’s already been a month and— I don’t even miss her, Harry. It’s like I don’t even need her anymore,” Tobin discloses, and voicing what’s been on her mind for a while hurts her, but it also lifts a huge weight off of her, “and it’s sort of sad because I used to.”

 “Okay, I could already see that,” Allie admits, pursing her lips as she takes a moment to continue, “And you really have to do something about it before it all goes to hell, Harry,” she warns Tobin.

“I know, you’re right. I’ll come up with something.” Tobin promises, looking down at the carpet and not daring to raise her eyes up to meet the blonde’s.

 “You won’t. But whatever,” Allie grumbles dismissively, “what about Press?” she asks, and that has Tobin redirecting her eyes to Allie quickly.

 “What about her?” Tobin questions, and she’s trying to sound as nonchalant as she can, but she can’t keep the enthusiasm away from her voice.

 “You like her, don’t you?” Allie smirks as she pokes Tobin’s sides lightly.

“I had sex with her Harry, of course I like her,” Tobin replies, swatting Allie’s hand away.

 “Right,” Allie says smirking, “she may have not scored during the game but she surely scored after it,” she laughs, throwing her head back and making Tobin blush profusely.

“Did you really have to make that terrible joke?” Tobin questions, frowning a little but laughing despite herself.

 “I just had to. I mean, we’re soccer players after all, aren't we?” Allie retaliates, rolling her eyes good-naturedly with a small smile playing on her lips, “Anyway, was she really that good to have you openly and shamelessly admitting that you like her?” Allie laughs, amused by Tobin’s recently unexpected bluntness. 

 “Oh, if you only knew,” Tobin smiles timidly while looking down in an effort to hide her expression, although it’s all in vain since she can’t ever get away with hiding anything from her blonde teammate.

 “Oh my god, Harry, you seriously like her,” Allie squeals, taking her hands to her heart in an endeared gesture, “like, you look seriously smitten right now,” she teases the brown eyed girl lightheartedly, bumping their shoulders together and raising her eyebrows.

 “Stop it Harry, I’m not smitten,” Tobin murmurs, hiding her face in her hands even though she knows that Allie knows her so well that she is aware of Tobin’s lie. _Conceal, don’t feel, Tobin._

 Her phone beeps and she looks up immediately, her eyes wide and alert. _Is that… mine? Could it be— no, I don’t think so._

 She then shifts her anxious gaze to Allie, who is staring at Tobin with a confused look on her face, before realization sinks into her and she purses her lips to stop herself from giving Tobin her knowing smirk. _Fuck, she totally knows what I’m thinking._

 “You were saying?” Allie teases, not being able to hold back her smirk.

 “That’s not yours, is it?” Tobin whispers agitated, trying to stop her hopes from getting up but failing miserably.

 “No, mine’s here on the ta—” she doesn’t finish her sentence before Tobin is jumping off the couch and skipping to the kitchen in record time.

 Tobin takes her phone swiftly with one hand and sighs before checking her notifications to confirm her doubts. _Please be Chris. Please be Chris. Please._

When she sees that it was, in fact, Christen, she suddenly can’t feel her hands, and the look of awe on her face must have been pretty evident, since Allie, who had gotten up from the couch and walked to the kitchen to see what was going on with her best friend, sighed and shook her head before asking Tobin what Christen had said.

 Tobin can’t believe her own eyes, so she gestures the blonde girl to come closer so she can read the text, too, and confirm that what she just read was actually real.

  _Hey. So… I tried calling you again but it went straight to voicemail, so I’m guessing that your phone just died. And a text is definitely not the way I wanted to express this but I don’t think I’ll be able to voice it again like I did earlier.Tobin, I just really need you to know what I said. I know that you have many things going on right now and that things have been pretty rough for you lately. And I know that I don’t have any right to ask you this since you already have so many things on your plate, but please, please consider taking these few days before camp to think about the prospect of us. Just think about it. I surely will. That’s all._

  _Oh, and also, please text me to let me know you’re okay!_

 “Miss Heath, you’re _seriously_ gonna have to come up with something to do about Shirley, because this girl right here knows what she wants and if she’s anything in real life like she’s on the field, she’s not going to backing off until she gets it.”


	2. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! In case you read the notes, I have a few things to say:
> 
> 1) Happy Halloween!!
> 
> 2) I'm sorry for taking so long to update. Last week was sort of hectic and I also had a hard time deciding what to write and not to write on this chapter.
> 
> 3) I've decided that each chapter is going to have the name of a song that goes with it. This chapter's song is Friends by Ed Sheeran (:
> 
> 4) I'm truly overwhelmed by the response this story got. Seriously, you all are amazing!
> 
> Now that I'm done, go ahead and enjoy the chapter ;)

 

It’s late at night— too late, considering she’s exhausted and has yet another headache, not from the alcohol anymore but from the lack of sleep— but Tobin can’t stop tossing in bed thinking about the text Christen sent her. Specifically, she can’t stop thinking about what she asked her to do.

_Us together, huh? That would be nice. So nice, actually. But could we make it work?_

_We probably could… I mean, at least we’re in the same country. And we’re in the national team together so we can actually see each other. Shit, it’s probably super wrong of me to think that since…_

And that has her feeling a pang of guilt again for not ending things with Shirley.

So now her mind goes hastily from one vague thought to the next one and she can’t focus entirely on just one in particular, ultimately leaving them all hanging there, inconclusive. _Fuck, why won’t my head just shut up? I have a fucking flight tomorrow and I need to rest._

Anxiety had been consuming her ever since she got into bed, and that was very odd to her. _I wonder if this is what Chris usually feels like._

She sighs and turns once again, resting her head on her pillow trying to focus on her breathing in an attempt to clear her brain from everything. Instead, her thoughts take her back to the morning in the hotel and she feels the slight disappointment slowly creeping into her again.

She doesn’t want to admit it, not even to herself, (because that would take things to a whole new level, a level in which feelings are starting to flourish, and that’s something Tobin is still not ready to  fully embrace and deal with) but she would’ve loved to wake up to those grey eyes gazing down at her, and maybe also a few kisses from those alluring lips that she had on hers and all over her body twenty-four hours prior.

_I haven’t even had the guts to break up with Shirley yet and here comes Christen making me experience all these… emotions. It feels so wrong. Allie’s right, I need to do something about it. God, but how will I look at Christen in camp and hold back from kissing her now that I know what it’s like? Maybe I should hang out with Alex more to distract myself?_

She’s a little bit shocked when she hears her phone buzz next to her on her bed, not expecting anyone to text her this late at night.

_Tobin? Did you get home okay?_

Tobin can’t believe her eyes once again. She looks at the upper part of her screen to check the time and it’s 2:34 AM. Which means it’s 4:34 AM in Chicago. _She’s either staying up too late or waking up too early._

Tobin groans and decides that if she can’t sleep, she can at least text Christen until sleep decides to take over her, whenever that may be.

_Yeah, I did Chris. Sorry I didn’t reply, I read your texts and then it was time to go to practice and then I just totally forgot. I’m truly sorry!_

She keeps the chat open and observes the three little dots that appear, signaling that Christen was typing a response. It takes a long, torturous moment of gripping her phone and watching the screen impatiently before she gets a text, though.

_Can’t sleep either? I’m glad you’re okay, by the way. I was sort of worried but I didn’t want to bother you. I guess it got the best of me after all._

A small smile makes its way on Tobin’s face when she reads the last part. _She’s pretty sweet. And I’m so stupid, how did I forget to reply? Knowing her, she must’ve been super jittery all day._

She shakes her head at herself for being so absentminded, although it’s a usual thing for her to forget to reply to people, and begins typing her response.

_You could never bother me Chris. And you know everyone’s aware that I’m the worst texter on the national team, right?_

She sends the message as she wonders if she should tell Christen what’s been on her mind ever since she got into bed, her fingers typing again immediately before she can stop herself.

_And no, I can’t sleep either. I’ve been doing what you asked me to. Did you even get any sleep? You’re probably exhausted._

She taps the send button before overthinking and waits for Christen’s reply, holding back her breath with her stomach tied in knots.

_Yeah, I got some sleep but I had a super weird dream about my dogs and I can’t sleep anymore._

Tobin giggles lightly because _of course_ Christen would have a dream about her dogs and wake up perturbed over it. She was about to start typing her response when she got another text.

_We don’t have to do this now, Tobin. Just take your time to think it over and we can talk about it when we meet again, okay?_

She didn’t notice until now that she’s already dying to talk about it, but she also knows that Christen’s right. Tobin needs to organize her mind in order to talk to her, and all she has now is a bunch of disarrayed thoughts that she hasn’t yet contemplated with the necessary depth to converse about. However, after receiving the latest text, Tobin feels the tiniest bit calmer.

_Yeah, you’re right Chris. Thank you. I was pretty sure I was starting to become you with all the thinking and worrying I’ve been doing since I got into bed, hahaha._

When Christen replies, Tobin is surprised to say the least.

_How mad would you get at me if I said something inappropriate?_

She’s not sure if she wants to know what’s going through the brunette’s mind, but in the end her curiosity gets the best of her.

_I don’t think I could ever get mad at you so just go ahead._

As soon as she reads what Christen had to say, Tobin blushes so hard that she’s pretty sure that all of her body’s blood went straight to her face.

_I mean… people do say that you are what you eat._

She hides her face in her pillow and starts laughing lightly despite how embarrassed she is. _Well, maybe that’s true after all._

If Christen’s going to use puns, she decided that she also would.

_Oh my god, I didn’t see that one coming from you Chris. I’m truely imPressed._

She smirks, content with her response, and waits to see what Christen has to say.

_It’s truly, Tobs. Not truely. And I’m so used to people making puns with my last name that they don’t get to me anymore, so you lose ;)_

Tobin scoffs, her competitiveness making its appearance and causing her to unsettle over such a trivial thing as losing this silly pun contest.

She then scrolls the chat back up to read anything that Christen had said that she could use as a new topic to redirect their conversation away from the fact that she lost, and her heart softens when she reads the text that reminds her that Christen texted her to make sure that she was home.

_Whatever. Tell me about that weird dream you had earlier?_

She knows that Christen’s smart enough to realize why Tobin’s asking her that, but strangely enough losing an argument to Christen or being mocked by her doesn’t bother Tobin as much as it would if it was anyone else.

_Okay, even though I know that you’re just a sore loser and trying to talk about something else._

Tobin rolls her eyes good-naturedly and smiles, waiting for the younger girl to finish elaborating her story.

_Well, I only remember this part where I was walking Morena and Khaleesi and then I saw this ice cream stand on the side and I really wanted to get one, so when I was waiting for my vanilla cone this guy just passes by and snatches their leashes from my hand, and I had to leave my cone there to chase after him. I ended up getting hit by a bike and that’s when I woke up. I’m still sort of sad over my ice cream and my dogs :(_

Tobin’s eyelids were starting to get surprisingly heavier and it was getting slightly harder for her to read Christen’s story with every second that passed. However, she was very much enjoying texting her teammate and was wondering why they’d never really kept in touch constantly.

_Okay, that was definitely a weird dream. You probably texted your mom to ask her if they were okay, didn’t you?_

She was trying her best to stay awake, even when she found herself grateful that sleep finally managed to get to her system.

_My sister Tyler, actually. They’re staying with her now. Am I that predictable?_

It’s not that Tobin found her predictable. It’s just that if Christen had texted _her_ to ask her if she was okay even after Tobin had forgotten to reply Christen’s super important message, why wouldn’t she text whoever her dogs were staying with to ask them if they were okay?

_Oh, is she the one that’s getting married? And you texted ME to ask if I was okay, it would only make sense that you’d text her to ask about your dogs after that… nightmare._

Tobin’s eyes close and she’s half asleep when she feels her phone buzz again.

_Yeah, in september! Speaking of you and your wellbeing, you better get some sleep missy, I take it you have a flight scheduled for later, right?_

She smiles softly, because only Christen could be this considerate towards her. She doesn’t selfishly force her to stay up later like the girl she’d been in a relationship with used to, throwing a tantrum whenever Tobin claimed that she really needed to get some rest.

_Yeah, I do. I can actually barely open my eyes now…_

She yawns and gets cozy in her bed while she waits for the other girl to write back, finally ready to surrender to sleep.

_Just go to sleep, Tobs. Oh, and set your alarm or else you’ll probably lose your flight. Sleep tight :)_

Before answering, Tobin sets her alarm, feeling glad that the brunette had brought it up. It had been just two days but Christen was already making a slight but good impact in Tobin’s life.

_Thanks, Chris. You just saved my ass again, I would’ve totally forgotten to set my alarm if you hadn’t reminded me to. Have a good day!_

*

After Portland’s 3-0 loss against FCKC, Tobin decided that she needed to get at least one thing right and took advantage of the circumstances to acquaint Lauren with her and Christen’s situation before flying back home and then to Pennsylvania.

As expected, Lauren had heard Tobin out calmly before remarking that the right thing to do was to end her already failing relationship and get some closure before starting a new one. She did, however, rebuke Tobin for not having gotten through with it already, and the Portland player had shamefully agreed.

For the moment, Tobin is intending to think about what she was going to say to Christen while simultaneously trying to _keep it cool_ until the opportunity came to finally reunite with the other girl for their much needed conversation.

But when Tobin finds out that she’s rooming with Alex, she feels what little calm she had leave her completely.

She still hadn’t had the chance to tell her other friend what had taken place between her and Christen, and she’s completely sure that the blue eyed girl will persuade her into telling her everything.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to tell Alex (if anything, Alex _had been_ at the bar that night and already had an idea of what had happened and she just needed confirmation from the golden-brown haired girl), it’s just that Tobin feels like she’s telling too many of her close friends in a short period of time, and she’s scared that such a sensitive subject could leak from Alex’s mouth and cause some type of damage to her and Christen’s budding connection. 

So when Tobin gets to their shared hotel room, she leaves her stuff on the bed that’s closer to the wall, knowing that her friend would prefer the one next to the window, and tries to escape the room before Alex gets there.

She lets out a relieved exhale when she exits the room to find an empty hallway, and she decides to take the stairs, still making her best effort to at least postpone the inevitable exchange that is to come when the forward gets her alone.

When she gets to the stairs, however, she freezes when she hears her name being shouted from the elevator. _Shit, I was so close…_

“Where do you think you’re going?” the girl she was trying to evade asks her, and Tobin’s shoulders slump in a defeated manner.

“I was going to— uhh— I think I left my phone at the lobby,” Tobin lies, and Alex narrows her eyes at her and shakes her head knowingly. 

“You’re aware that I can see your phone in your back pocket from here, right?” Alex states accusingly, approaching the midfielder, “you were just trying to sneak away from me because you don’t want to have _the talk_.” she finishes as Tobin stands there, looking down at her feet guiltily.

“Al, do we really have to talk about it?” Tobin asks, looking at Alex pleadingly, even though she knows that her tenacious friend won’t leave her alone until she spills everything.

“Yes, Tobin. Come on, I’ll even buy you a burger for dinner if that helps.” Alex says as she leads the way to their room.

The midfielder sighs and follows her teammate reluctantly, flopping down on her bed while Alex leaves her suitcase in the corner of the room and heads to her own bed to sit down, facing Tobin.

“Okay, you can tell me now,” Alex concedes, folding her legs under herself and accommodating on the bed.

“You already know what happened,” Tobin mutters, clearly not wanting to voice it again.

“No, I don’t,” the forward smirks, staring at her friend with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Seriously Alex? You’re going to make me say it?” the midfielder scoffs unbelievingly.

“Say what?” Alex retaliates, seemingly entertained by her friend’s response to her antics.

Tobin takes a deep breath and curses under her breath before continuing.

“ _We had sex._ There. Are you happy?” Tobin admits, rolling her eyes and sighing, exasperated.

“Very much,” Alex giggles, “I already knew, by the way,” she confesses, winking at Tobin.

“No way.” Tobin says, feigning astonishment before turning serious, “Please tell me you didn’t tell anyone else about it,” she pleads.

“Uhh— I didn’t tell anyone else about it,” Alex mumbles quietly before pursing her lips, suddenly avoiding her friend’s gaze.

Tobin’s eyes widen abruptly as realization sinks into her and she inspects the blue eyed girl in front of her with a horrified expression. _I can’t believe that I didn’t even confirm her what happened and she’s already told someone else._

“Who did you tell?” Tobin asks dryly, and Alex gulps, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

“I didn’t— I mean— I’m so sorry Tobin, I didn’t mean to,” she stutters, putting her hands up trying to defend herself and glancing apologetically at the midfielder.

“Who?” Tobin insists, her expression a mix of too many emotions.

“Kelley… but I just— she’s Christen’s friend and I was just curious and—” Alex tries to explain before Tobin interrupts her. _Seriously? Kelley of all people?_

“Oh my god, Alex” Tobin says, hiding her face in her hands and taking a deep breath once again.

“I’m sorry! I thought she would’ve known by then but…” the forward tries to stop herself but ends up frowning at herself when she recognizes that she’s too late.

“Then what?” the brown-eyed girl demands.

“Well… then she said she was going to ask Christen about it after their game on wednesday,” Alex tells her, staring at the floor remorsefully.

“And did she?” Tobin asks, still acting cold towards her friend.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t talked to her since. Are you mad at me?” Alex questions, looking at Tobin with begging blue eyes.

“Alex— look, I’m not _mad_ at you, just sort of…” the older girl tries to elaborate, still affected by Alex’s accidental confession.

“Disappointed?” Alex says tentatively.

“Yeah, kind of. Look, you could’ve just asked me and you know I would’ve told you.” Tobin replies, giving her friend a stern look.

“But you were acting weird, Tobs,” Alex retorts helplessly, “I mean, it was like you were just avoiding everyone and I thought that I should give you some time to open up to me but you didn’t, and I knew that it had to do with Christen but I didn’t want to be too straightforward because I know just how much you hate that.” she finishes, and Tobin ends up feeling guilty because it was true.

She’d been immersed so in her thoughts that she didn’t notice she was actually ignoring Alex.  
“I’m sorry, Al. I’ve just been dealing with it in my own way, I guess. I didn’t mean to shut you out and hurt you or anything,” Tobin apologizes, now aware that Alex was just worried about her.

“Maybe next time you can actually talk to me so you don’t feel too overwhelmed?” Alex offers, giving the midfielder a small encouraging smile.

“Actually,” Tobin breathes out, “there are some things that I still have to tell you,” she informs the other girl.

“Okay,” Alex responds interestedly, staring at Tobin expectantly.

“Christen called me the morning after… _you know what_ happened,” Alex rolls her eyes at this, because Tobin would evidently phrase it in a more sophisticated way instead of just explicitly saying it again, “and she said we needed to talk about it and that _I knew_ why,” she pauses, waiting for Alex to ask her the question she already knows is coming.

“Yeah? And why was that?” Alex asks, confused as to why Christen would say that to Tobin.

“Because she knows that I still haven’t broken up with Shirley,” Tobin admits, dreading Alex’s reaction, “at least not for good.” She closes her eyes, expecting the blue-eyed girl’s outburst. _Okay, here we go again._  
“You haven’t?!” Alex squeaks in disbelief, bringing a hand to her chest in horror.

“Let me remind you that I hate confrontation,” Tobin attempts to justify herself, and Alex simply scoffs at her.

“Tobin! There’s a big difference between hating conflict and being a fucking coward. I can’t believe you’re telling me this, she doesn’t even deserve you,” she reprimands, clearly irritated at Tobin’s usual tendency of steering away from troublesome situations. 

“Okay, just let me finish, please,” Tobin interrupts quickly before Alex continues. _I’ve already had enough with Harry and Chen giving me the same lecture._

“Go on,” Alex concedes, taking a deep breath in an attempt to stay as calm as she could, given the situation.

“We agreed that we would talk about it during this camp, and I was about to hang up when she said me she needed to tell me something before I did,” Tobin informs, pleased to see that Alex’s semblance changed from terribly upset to absolutely intrigued.

“What was it?” the forward asks curiously, leaning into Tobin with anticipation.

“It was pretty dramatic, actually, because my phone died when I told her to go ahead and tell me,” Tobin adds, trying to hold back her laughter when Alex’s eyes widen full of bewilderment.

“No way!” Alex yelps dramatically, leaning even more into Tobin but stopping once she was close to falling off her bed.

“Yeah. So she texted me later. And she was definitely not her usual self.” Tobin smirks, knowing that the suspense is probably killing her teammate and doing her best to distract her from what she had admitted previously.

“Okay, what did the text say?” Alex asks hurriedly, undoubtedly engrossed in the story her friend was recounting her.

“She said that she knew I had a lot going on,” Tobin answers, and Alex nods in understanding, “but asked me if I could please take those few days we had until camp to think about _us_.” 

“Wow. And what did you say?” the younger girl inquires, hanging on every word Tobin was saying.

“I actually forgot to reply,” the midfielder admits, embarrassed.

“Of course you did,” Alex reproaches her, “Tobin, you’re so careless. The poor girl was probably a mess after putting herself out there and not hearing back from you,” the forward continues, chastising her friend for being so absentminded.

“We did text after that, though,” Tobin mumbles, shrugging lightly.  
“You did?” Alex questions, surprise evident in her voice.

“Yeah, she’s super sweet, Al. I mean, she’s so considerate and so caring. And she didn’t even get mad at me for forgetting to reply,” Tobin finds herself smiling unintentionally after finishing her statement.

“Well, that’s a big contrast from what you’re used to,” Alex comments, examining her friend’s dreamy expression and trying to hold back the small smile that was making its way onto her face.

“Do you like her?” Alex asks bluntly, and Tobin snaps back into reality.

“Do I _really_ have to answer?” the midfielder asks, not really looking forward to Alex’s reply.

“I want to hear you say it,” The forward demands.

“I like her.” Tobin admits, and the heaviness of admitting it this time around, being aware that soon enough she’ll be seeing the girl she _likes_ , leaves Tobin out of breath for a moment.

“Okay, so what are you going to do? I mean, when you two talk about it.” Alex questions, a proud smile on her face after getting what she wanted.

“I’m not sure yet. But I need to break up with Shirley before going any further with Chris,” the midfielder reminds her teammate.

“I guess that makes sense. But when are you going to?” the forward retorts.

“You know that I have to do that in person,” Tobin responds, sounding slightly nervous.

“Well, duh,” aware that Tobin was not one of those people who end relationships over texts or phone calls, and that that was probably the reason she couldn’t muster up the courage to break up with the Costa Rican player once and for all.

“So probably after the season ends,” the midfielder nods, intent on her decision.

“And what, Press and you will stay ‘friends’ until you finally do it?” Alex utters amusedly.

“That is, if she _wants_ to be friends,” Tobin clarifies.

“Oh, Tobin. This is a mess.” Alex expresses, giving her friend a concerned look.

“I know, you don’t need to remind me,” Tobin laughs humorlessly at herself.

“Well,” Alex sighs, standing up from her temporary bed, “how about we go get that burger now?” she smirks, raising up her eyebrows in an attempt to cheer the other girl up.

“Sounds perfect.”

Despite initially trying to elude it, Tobin finds herself glad that she told Alex after all.  
*

To say that Tobin was annoyed was understatement.

Anytime she had the chance to approach Christen to make some small talk, Kelley would pop out of nowhere only to drag her away from the midfielder. Even when Christen herself had made it clear that she wanted to stay with Tobin, Kelley would insist so much that the grey-eyed girl would have no choice but to go with her.

So that’s how game day comes, without Tobin or Christen getting any closure on whatever it was they had, or _could have_ , thanks to their freckle-faced teammate.

It does nothing to stop them from killing it on the field, though.

They had come out with an 8-0 win against Costa Rica, Christen having scored 3 of the goals and Tobin assisting Kling’s after coming in on the second half.

Now, after all of the girls arrive at the hotel they are to stay at in Tennessee early in the morning, Tobin is pleased but also nervous when she finds out who she’s rooming with this time around. She takes her keycard and gulps hard before heading to her assigned room with her stomach tied in knots.

When she gets to the door, she pauses and inhales deeply before finally entering, and bumps into something, or rather _someone_ when she enters.

“Sorry,” Tobin mutters while reaching out instinctively, grabbing onto Christen’s arm as a result and looking at her apologetically.

“It’s okay,” Christen laughs lightly, shaking her head, “I was wondering which bed you’d like better but I guess you can choose yours now that you’re here.”

Tobin is a little taken aback, and as Christen stares at her expectantly, with her grey eyes soft and tender, she can’t hold back the smile that’s only reserved for Christen and the little things she does (little things that give Tobin a really hard time when she’s trying to do things rationally and restraining herself from just free falling into the fascinating human being that Christen Press is).

“I like that one,” Tobin says, pointing at the bed on the left of the room.

“I’ll take this one, then,” Christen sighs, heading to the one on the right.

They both accommodate their respective suitcases and bags silently, and Tobin throws herself on her bed as soon as she’s done.

“Are you excited about wednesday?” Christen questions, sitting down on her own bed facing the midfielder.

“Yeah, I am. Though I have to admit that I feel sort of old,” Tobin replies, somewhat nostalgic, “I mean… 100 caps is sort of a lot,” she laughs staring at the ceiling.

“Well, you may have been on the team for a long time but you’ll always be a new kid at heart,” Christen reassures her kindly.

“With Cheney retiring soon and Amy having already started a family, I’ll probably be the only one left before I know it,” the midfielder sighs wistfully.

“Tobin, growing up is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, look at the good side of it,” Christen points out, staring at Tobin with bright grey eyes.

“Good side?” Tobin wonders aloud, looking back at the forward with a confused look.

“You’re a lot more experienced now than when you just got into the team,” Christen answers easily.

“That’s probably true…” Tobin reckons, nodding in amazement because she hadn’t thought of it.

“You’re a World Cup champion,” Christen giggles adorably.

“Right,” Tobin smiles broadly, having forgotten for a moment that she was, indeed, a World Cup Champion.

“And you’ll still have friends around you, you know?” the brunette shrugs with a light smile on her lips.

“Yes, you’re right Chris,” Tobin agrees, “but it just won’t be the same,” she sighs, still a little bit gloomy over this whole transition that was coming for the team.

“Well, I’ll be right here for you through all this if you ever need someone to talk to, okay?” Christen reassures her, and once again, Tobin is grateful to have such a nice person in her life.

“Okay. Thank you, I really appreciate it,” Tobin smiles thankfully at the other girl before redirecting her gaze to the ceiling once again.

“Chris, do you—” Tobin pauses, suddenly apprehensive.

“Do I?” Christen asks curiously.

“I’m having dinner with my family after the game,” Tobin starts nervously, “you know, to celebrate and all,” she mutters eagerly.

“Yeah? That’s good,” Christen says, not really catching up on where Tobin was going.

“Do you want to come?” 

Christen’s eyes widen slightly for a second.

“Uhh, yeah, but— will that be okay with your family?” Christen asks anxiously.

“Well, they don’t have anything against you,” Tobin smiles encouragingly.

“Okay, I’ll go with you then,” Christen sighs happily.

“About us—” Tobin mutters hurriedly.

“Tobs, let’s do that later, okay?” Christen requests, looking at her phone to check the time, “It’s not that I don’t want to, but we have breakfast in about 5 minutes and—”

“It’ll take way longer than that,” Tobin finishes.

“Exactly.”

“Wanna go grab some coffee with me?” Tobin asks suddenly.

“What?” Christen squeaks, clearly surprised.

“Coffee? You know, that thing you can’t live without,” Tobin says amusedly, sitting up on the bed and staring at Christen, waiting for a response.

“Uhh— alright,” Christen mumbles, getting up from her bed and smiling shyly, “let’s go.”

*

The game hadn’t really been what Tobin had expected. Sure, they had won, but she didn’t get to play the full ninety minutes and she was sort of bummed because of that.

Dinner was good. Alex had tagged along, too, and she had sat next to Christen while Tobin went from one place to the other, chatting animatedly with her family members and thanking them for coming out to celebrate.

Tobin had noticed the way Christen’s eyes seemed to linger keenly on her body throughout the night, (the midfielder having had decided to wear a light grey tank top and a pair of shorts, given the hot weather) and she had done her best to keep her thoughts from wandering back to _that one_ _time_ Christen had looked at her the same way. 

Once in their hotel room, when each of them is tucked in their respective beds, Tobin rolls on her side to look at Christen across the room.

“Did you have fun?” Tobin asks softly, and Christen mimics Tobin’s movement to stare back.

“Yeah, your family is really nice,” Christen smiles contentedly.

“Thanks.”

Christen sighs heavily and bites her lip in a nervous way.

“What are we going to do?” she questions, her expression vulnerable and fearful.

“I’ve thought it through a thousand times,” Tobin admits with a sigh of her own.

“And?” Christen mutters quickly.

“I can’t,” Tobin says, her voice trembling, “at least not for now.”

“Oh,” Christen whispers, and she looks away from Tobin only to stare blankly at the floor.

“Hey, Chris,” Tobin gets out of her bed hurriedly,“listen to me, okay?” she approaches Christen’s bed carefully, sitting tentatively in case the brunette didn’t want her near her, “I like you. There’s no doubt about that,” she says undisputedly.

“Really?” Christen asks, her voice small and her eyes glistening.

“Yes, really. And you’ll probably hate me for this, but I need more time,” Tobin says, desperately reaching for Christen’s hand and clutching it.

“You still have to break up with her, right?” the forward states more than asks with a knowing smile on her lips.

“Yes,” Tobin admits, “it hadn’t been working for a while and we both knew it so we decided to take a break. But I need some closure, you know? I can’t just leave it hanging like that without neither of us knowing where we’re standing at this point. So I’m ending it as soon as I can, but not over an email or a text or a call.” 

“So you’re going to France?” Christen squeezes Tobin’s hand, staring into her eyes longingly.

“Yes, when the season ends.” Tobin confirms, caressing Christen’s hand with her thumb lightly.

“And what about us?” the brunette asks trepidatiously.

“I want you in my life, Christen.” Tobin states frankly.

“What do you want, Tobin?” Christen inquires, her voice barely audible but clearly shaking.

“All I know is I don’t want to lose you,” Tobin speaks softly, bringing her left hand up to push a strand of hair away from Christen’s eyes.

“So what are we going to be? _Friends?_ ” Christen mutters, disappointment noticeable in her tone.

“Can we try that?” Tobin pleads, running her thumb over Christen’s cheek.

“But… how?” Christen asks, sitting up and staring at Tobin incredulously, “I mean, it’s been hard enough to stop myself from kissing you ever since I saw you again, you know? And now you’re not making it any easier.” she declares painfully, her gaze shifting down to Tobin’s lips before looking back into her eyes and pursing her lips in frustration.

“It’s the same for me, Chris, don’t forget that.” Tobin squeezes Christen’s hand reassuringly.

Christen closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Okay, we can try being friends,” she says, sounding strained, “but I need something from you.” Christen’s eyes bore into Tobin’s pleadingly.

“What do you need?” Tobin asks, short of breath.

“Can you kiss me?”

“What?”

“It’s just— we were so drunk when we kissed and I can’t— I just— I want to know what it’s like to kiss you when we’re sober.”

Christen said that, but Tobin knew that there was more to it than just that.

The kiss is a promise. It’s an assurance that in some time, when the circumstances are not as unfortunate as now, they would both allow themselves to give this relationship, _their relationship,_ a chance. That everything would be alright, because they’re going to take it one step at a time to do things properly since neither of them want this to be ruined. It hasn’t even begun but both of them can tell that _it’s just right_.

So Tobin leans in slowly, taking her time because she knows that no one will interrupt them, placing one hand on Christen’s jawline and the other one on her waist.

Once she can feel Christen’s breath against her lips, she pauses slightly, trying to commit to her memory what the anticipation of kissing Christen Press feels like.

When their lips graze lightly, Christen lets out a satisfied breath through her nose and finishes closing the gap between their mouths right away. Her hands find their way to Tobin’s hair and they tangle themselves in there.

They kissed slowly at first, but neither of them could restrain themselves for too long.

Tobin whimpered lowly when Christen’s trapped her lower lip between hers and started sucking lightly, tugging at Tobin’s hair while leaning back on the bed, leaving the midfielder on top of her once she was laying completely.

Tobin’s not sure of when was the last time she felt this affected by a kiss. Not only is she unbelievably turned on at the moment, but her stomach is doing cartwheels and she’s pretty sure Christen can feel Tobin’s heartbeat against her own chest.

When Tobin feels Christen’s tongue tracing a warm path on her lower lip, she gasps and opens her mouth readily, leisurely tangling their tongues together before exploring each other’s mouth unhurriedly.

When her lust gets the best of her and Tobin instinctively grinds down her hips against Christen’s, the brunette moans throatily in the midfielder’s mouth. Tobin lets out a groan and begins grinding purposefully, but then she feels Christen’s hands gripping her hips to stop her.

“It was supposed to be just a kiss, Tobs,” Christen manages to say, panting but also laughing at how easy it was for them to lose all control, hiding her face in the crook of Tobin’s neck.

“Sorry, I got carried away,” Tobin apologizes with a raspy laugh of her own, taking a steadying breath and trying to think of _anything_ that could take away the ache between her legs.

“Well, quite honestly, that only left me wanting more,” Christen admits shamefully, running her hands from Tobin’s hair down to her toned back slowly.

“Same,” Tobin mumbles difficultly, shifting slightly off from Christen, “I think it’s better if I—” she points her bed and starts to stand up slowly.

“No, Tobin,” Christen rushes to reach for Tobin’s arm, “can you— can you sleep here tonight?” Christen requests, scooting over to make some space for her teammate.

Tobin sighs. _Well, we do have to get used to being around each other and not touching._

“Okay, just… I need to use the bathroom,” Tobin mumbles, and she heads over to splash some cold water on her face in order to somehow lower her body temperature.

Once she’s done, she heads back to the room and finds Christen cuddled up on one side of the bed. She walks over and gets under the covers, facing the forward and bringing a hand up to run her thumb over her cheek.

“So,” Tobin whispers, not wanting to startle the other girl by being too loud, “friends?” she asks, just to make sure that they both agree on this.

“Friends,” Christen sighs with a small contented smile on her face, “at least for now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Let me know in the comments or message me on tumblr at kiss-mx.tumblr.com
> 
> Have a good day!


	3. TALK ME DOWN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back from war?
> 
> Last month was insane and now I'm just plainly ashamed by how late this update is.
> 
> Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy. I did try to make it up by writing a long chapter and 7k+ is what I came up with!
> 
> The song for this chapter is TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan. Happy reading! (:

Waking up surrounded by Christen is nice. Her body is warm and inviting (which is probably the reason why Tobin seemingly found herself being drawn into her during her sleep), her chest is firm and comfortable as Tobin’s head lays there, listening to the dark-haired girl’s heartbeat, slow and steady just like her breathing. The midfielder keeps her eyes shut, relishing in the feeling with a small smile playing on her lips and taking a deep breath before opening her eyes.

Tobin looks up somewhat keenly and her breath catches in her throat. Her eyes wander through the forward’s features and suddenly, Tobin is amazed but also relieved that she managed to keep her hands to herself the previous night. Laying there, with her eyes closed and her perfect, long eyelashes highlighted by the small stream of light coming in through the window, is Christen. Her lips are curled up slightly and she looks truly content. Tobin’s eyes linger on Christen’s lips longer than intended, and she quickly averts her gaze to prevent herself from taking things too far. _We’re friends. Just friends._

Despite telling herself that, Tobin can’t help but graze her thumb lightly against Christen’s waist, where her left hand rests since she somehow managed to stretch her arm across her teammate’s stomach in her sleep. She freezes for a moment when she feels Christen’s thumb on her shoulder return the action.

“Slept well?” Christen asks, with her eyes still closed and her thumb still tracing small, invisible patterns on the midfielder’s skin.

“Better than I have in a long time.” Tobin confesses truthfully, her voice still rough from sleep.

“Me too.” Christen says softly and opens her eyes to stare down at Tobin.

Tobin starts thinking that she’ll have to get used to running out of air whenever she looks at the dark-haired girl if they are to ever become more than just friends. _In my defense, she’s just_ so _mesmerizing and I’m just_ so _weak._

When the silence becomes too long, Tobin having lost the ability to formulate words under Christen’s intense stare, Christen clears her throat and takes over.

“Are you ready?” she asks gently, and even though she didn’t vocalize it, Tobin knew what the actual question was by looking into her eyes.

Certainly, Tobin is anything but ready. She’s not ready to get up and start the day having to pretend that Christen and her are anything but good friends and teammates. She’s not ready to say goodbye to Christen and be apart from her for another long month before their next national team match in September. She’s not ready to start filtering what’s appropriate and inappropriate to do when it comes to her and the forward’s relationship given the fact that they’re _just friends_. 

Tobin almost hates herself for having suggested it, but she knows that it’s the right thing to do and that being an adult is never easy, and that she has to deal with it. _I never wanted to be an adult anyway._

“I am.” Tobin lies with a forced smile after a small pause, and frowns a little before continuing, “Well, not so much but I don’t really have another choice.” She finishes, reluctantly untangling herself from the forward and sitting up on the bed.

“I know,” Christen sighed, sitting up and stretching her arms above her head, “we’ll get through it, though.” She finishes with an encouraging tone.

Tobin smiles softly at this. Her love life is a mess, to say the least, but somehow, this girl managed to calm her down with just a few words and a smile despite being a big part of said mess.

The midfielder turns to check her phone to see the time and is surprised to find that it’s barely past 6 in the morning. But she’s even more surprised to see the texts she got just seven minutes ago.

_Hey bud! Alex said we’re all taking a flight together to Jersey so maybe we can have coffee and catch up before heading to the airport?_

_Really, we need to talk. Meet me in 20._

Tobin’s antsy behavior must be evident because when she looks up again, Christen’s looking at her with concern in her grey eyes.

“What’s wrong?” the forward asks kindly.

“Kelley wants to meet me for coffee.” Tobin explains, and Christen’s brows furrow in confusion.

“Do you think it has to do with…”

“Yeah. She was pretty… severe.” Tobin confirms, and Christen lets out a long sigh at this.

“We had a fight the other day.” Christen reveals.

“What?” Tobin retorts, confused as to what they would fight over.

“Yeah, she was just being too… overbearing,” the forward says exasperatedly, “I mean, there’s no way you didn’t notice that she was trying to keep me from talking to you.”

“So she was totally doing it on purpose.” Tobin grumbled unbelievingly, “I knew that she knows, but I didn’t think she’d—”

“How do you—“

“Alex told her,” Tobin says, cringing internally, knowing that Christen may not take this well.

“Wait, so Alex knows?” Christen asks, evidently surprised.

“She didn’t— I mean— she does now, but she didn’t know for sure until last camp and she asked Kelley about it because she thought you’d tell her and—” Tobin babbles nervously.

“Shh, Tobs, it’s okay,” Christen soothes the midfielder, placing a hand on her wrist comfortingly, “Now it all makes sense.” The forward exclaims, bobbing her head up and down in realization.

“What makes sense?” Tobin queries, clearly confused by the other girl’s statement.

“Well, we played against Sky Blue last week and Kelley wouldn’t stop bugging me about _you know what_ until I ended up telling her, so I knew that someone told her about it,” Christen explains, “I sort of suspected it wasn’t you and when I asked Kelley who told her she just wouldn’t tell me.”

“I’m so sorry Chris.” Tobin apologizes sincerely.

“Don’t be, it wasn’t actually _your_ fault. We both know Alex is not blind or oblivious and we _were_ pretty evident about it, so don’t beat yourself up about it.” Christen reminds her teammate calmly, “Now go, get ready to meet Kelley. She’ll be so mad if you don’t go.” The forward pats Tobin’s back lightly a few times and the midfielder rises from bed and heads over to the bathroom to get ready to head out.

When she comes back into the room after changing her clothes and brushing her teeth, she sees Christen readying her suitcase and apparently picking some clothes to wear for the day.

“Are you gonna be here when I’m back?” Tobin asks, very much unenthusiastically.

“I don’t think so, I have to leave for the airport in about 40 minutes.” Christen replies sadly while folding a pair of compression shorts and tucking them inside her suitcase.

“Well,” Tobin says, approaching the dark-haired girl, “I guess I’ll have to say ‘bye’ now, then.”

Tobin feels Christen stiffen for a moment upon feeling the midfielder’s arms snaking around her waist from behind, but soon enough, the forward is turning around and placing hers around Tobin’s neck, returning the embrace readily.

“I’ll miss you so much.” Tobin croaks, realizing just in that moment how long she’ll actually have to wait to see her teammate again, her arms gripping the other girl’s waist even tighter, unwilling to let her go.

“Me too.” Is all that Christen whispers in the crook of Tobin’s neck before taking a deep breath and grudgingly drawing away from the hug while looking down at the floor, refusing to look up into Tobin’s eyes.

Tobin analyzes the forward’s restrained demeanor for a moment and her heart sinks a little at the realization that there’s nothing else they can do. That Christen’s trying really hard to give Tobin what she asked for. That there’s nothing left for Tobin to do but leave and meet Kelley, and go on with her day pretending that saying goodbye to Christen wasn’t that big of a deal. That it shouldn’t be hard at all.

But it is. And it’s so hard that as Tobin makes her way to the door slowly, trying not to drag her feet, she inadvertently stops in her tracks too look back at her roommate one last time. Just one last glance, because apparently, she subconsciously knows how much she’ll miss the dark-haired girl and is composing herself for a long month of not seeing her again.

“Bye, Tobs. Have a nice day.” Christen’s smile has Tobin’s heart skipping a beat and her stomach doing cartwheels. The midfielder can’t help but grin back at her.

“You too, Chris. Bye.” 

With this, Tobin exits the room and stays in the hallway for a moment, trying to compose herself.

_Christen’s your_ friend _, dude, ant that’s the way it has to be for a while. You better get your shit together._

*

Tobin meets Kelley at the hotel lobby, and they decide to walk to a coffee shop nearby.

After getting there and buying their drinks (a mocha for Kelley and an iced coffee for Tobin), they make their way to a table in the back of the shop.

“I’m really glad you came, bud.” Kelley says while she takes a seat and leaves her phone on the table, and Tobin mirrors her actions.

“Yeah, about that. You said we needed to talk, right?” Tobin questions, trying to keep her voice from sounding nervous.

“Yeah, we do! It’s been a long time and we need to catch up, don’t you think?” Kelley says, a little too animatedly, even for herself.

“Yeah, it’s been a while for sure.” Tobin agrees skeptically, suspicious about Kelley’s behavior.

“So,” Kelley sighs, “we’ve known each other for what? Over ten years?” she ponders with a tight-lipped smile

“Yeah, maybe about twelve?” Tobin comments as nonchalantly as she can while taking a sip of her drink, wondering where the defender is going with this, even though she already had a clear idea.

“They’ve been good years, don’t you think? So many things happened. We got lost in the jungle, went surfing, had too many wild nights to even count…” Kelly reminisces happily, “Tobin, you know you’re like a bro to me, right?” She asks, sitting up straight on her seat and eying Tobin with a serious expression.

“Yeah, I know. I mean, you’re like a bro to me, too.” Tobin replies, smiling nervously.

“So, from one bro to another,” Kelley begins, looking down at her cup and then back up at Tobin, “don’t you dare fuck it up. Got it?”

Tobin gulps and stays glued to her seat, unable to say a word.

“I know you’ve been having trouble with your girlfriend lately, but that doesn’t mean you get to screw Christen over.” The defender has the most solemn expression Tobin’s ever seen her wear etched on her face, and it truthfully scares her.

“What do you mean?” Tobin asks painfully.

“Tobin, have you really _never_ noticed the way she looks at you? Are you fucking blind?” Kelley scoffs exasperatedly.

“What?” Tobin gasps.

“How can you be so oblivious, man? She’s liked you since like— forever.” Kelley states, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Kelley—” Tobin tries to interrupt, genuinely lost.

“No, listen.” Kelley ends up interrupting. “I used to tease about it all the time, like— ever since she got in the national team— but this one night after this game against Costa Rica last year she broke down crying in front of me and I figured it wasn’t just some stupid crush.”

“What game?” Tobin asks, appalled. _Please don’t tell me it was_ that _game._

“Remember when she came over to hug you and you basically shoved her away to go with your girlfriend?” Kelley asks, and after Tobin cringes, she continues, “Yep, that night.”

“Shit.” Tobin whispers, letting what the defender just told her sink for a moment.

“She’s too nice, Tobin. You know that, I know that, hell, I guess _everybody_ knows that,” the defender proclaims, “just don’t hurt her any more than you already did.” 

“I didn’t mean to, you know that.” Tobin explains guiltily, her voice thick with emotion.

“Yeah, I know. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been messing her up for a long time. And if you fuck up again… well, I don’t think you’ll have another chance, dude.” Kelley shrugs her shoulders as she finishes.

Just in that moment, Tobin’s phone buzzes and she looks at the screen to check who it is. 

The midfielder catches Kelley glancing at her screen and internally curses. _Okay, I can just lock the screen and—_ It beeps again and she cringes, looking back up at Kelley, who is giving her a wary look.

_Congrats on both wins, babe! Even though it was against_ my _team._

_Are you coming for my birthday?_

Tobin locks the screen and sighs, waiting for Kelley to speak first since she didn’t really know what to say.

“Whatever you do, Toby, remember I warned you.” Kelley says, raising both hands in the air. Tobin frowns at the nickname choice, glaring at her teammate. “Oh, and if you don’t take Pressy, then I might.” 

“What?” Tobin scoffs.

“She’s as good as they come, buddy, so you better watch out.” The freckle-faced winks at the midfielder, smirking, and Tobin can’t help how jealous she suddenly feels.

“I’m kind of sorry to tell you that you’re not taking anything, then.” Tobin says flatly, her jaw clenching slightly.

“Oh my god,” Kelley says excitedly, reaching out for Tobin’s arm over the table, “Did Toby just get jealous?” She asks, amused by the midfielder’s stoic expression.

“Of course not, what are you saying?” The midfielder’s says defensively with a frown, the pitch of her voice slightly higher than usual.

“Don’t worry dude, I was just kidding.” Kelley giggles, smacking Tobin’s arm slightly, “But from _this”_   she says, pointing at Tobin’s rather annoyed expression, “I can tell you really like her, so I’ll say it one more time: Don’t. Fuck. It. Up.” Kelley reiterates with an menacing raised eyebrow.

“I won’t, dude. Just give me time.” Tobin sighs, picking up her phone and re-reading the texts she got just a few minutes earlier.

There’s a small pause and they both take advantage of it to drink their respective coffees. Kelley lets out a long sigh before speaking again. 

“You know, this is awful to say but last camp I was a little hesitant to let you two… be alone, I guess.” Kelley admits, taking another sip of her now warm beverage.

“Yeah, I noticed.” Tobin says, a little more angrily than she intended to.

“I was just worried, though. That she would get carried away and at the end you wouldn’t return her feelings. I was just watching out for her,” Kelley says gloomily, “but then she got mad at me and we had an argument last camp—”

“Yeah, she told me.” Tobin interrupts, and Kelley’s eyebrows shoot up upon hearing this, her face showing clearly that she’s surprised but also quite uncertain.

“Oh. Did she say anything?” The defender asks, her voice small, scared almost.

“Not really. She told me just after I told her I was meeting you for coffee. Are you guys okay?” Tobin wonders, suddenly concerned about her freckle-faced teammate.

“Well, we just sort of avoided each other these last few days… and she was rooming with you, so I just stood back and tried to be ‘less obnoxious’ like she asked me to.” Kelley tells her, trying to act tough but failing miserably when her voice wavers in the last few words.

“Kell, you should call her. She probably already left for the airport,” Tobin says, checking her phone for the time, “yep, she definitely did— but you can’t leave it at that. I think she’s not even mad at you anymore. Just reach out and see what happens.” The midfielder finishes, giving the defender an encouraging smile. _Speaking of reaching out, I still have to answer those two texts._

“Do you really think she’s not mad anymore?” Kelley asks, her voice suddenly a little bit more cheerful, hopeful even, “We’ve never really had a _real_ fight and… you know me.” she smiles nervously and Tobin nods, because she knows what Kelley means.

“Yeah, _I know you,_ but don’t you think that maybe you should swallow your pride and reach out for once? I mean, she really matters to you, and you’ll feel great after everything’s back to normal.”

“Huh. I asked you to come today to threaten your dumb ass and you end up giving me advice to make up with Chris. It’s pretty weird ‘cause I’m mad and relieved at the same time.” Kelley snickers, shaking her head at herself for forgetting her initial intentions.

“Don’t worry man, I got the warning.” Tobin responds with a laugh of her own.

“Good.” Kelley says, and she downs the last remains of her mocha. “You ready to leave?”

“Yeah, Alex must be going nuts waiting for us. Let’s go.” 

*

After pacing around the room for what feels like an eternity, Tobin decides that it’s time to get done with it before she starts procrastinating again. A little over a week passed and there hadn’t been much of an exchange between her and the PSG player after she told her that she wouldn’t be there for her birthday. Which was today.

She unlocks her phone and her thumb hovers over the call button and she, once again, hesitates. _It’s pretty sad that I used to be so eager to wish her a happy birthday before and now I don’t even want to do it._

She taps a button and inhales a big gulp of air, holding it in her lungs until she hears sound on the other end of the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Tobin says, surprised by how distant she sounds, “happy birthday, Shir.” The midfielder is glad that no endearment escaped her lips, because that would only mess things up even more.

“Oh my god,” the Costa Rican says, emotion latched on her voice, “I thought you wouldn’t call or that you forgot about it.” Tobin cringes upon hearing this, because she was actually _really_ close to not calling at all.

“You know I’m not that much of an asshole,” Tobin laughs nervously.

“Of course you’re not.” Tobin can hear it. Hell, she can feel it. It’s pretty obvious that her soon-to-be ex girlfriend’s hopes are a little bit too high right now. And she would set them down again, but— _it’s her birthday, I can’t do that._

“How have you been?” She asks instead, and even though her voice sounds quite disinterested she’s sure that Shirley won’t notice.

“Missing you a lot.” The sadness in Shirley’s voice would’ve touched Tobin if she had any remnants of feelings for her; and she would’ve answered with an _I miss you too, baby,_ but now more than ever, the American girl knows for sure that it’s over.

“I’ll be there when the season ends.” Tobin says awkwardly, knowing that she won’t be there to make up with her but to break up once and for all.

“I know this is pretty selfish but I really wish your team doesn’t make it to the play-offs so you can be here with me sooner,” the Costa Rican player says sheepishly, and Tobin can’t believe her ears, “I just miss you so much, baby.”

“That’s not o—” Tobin stops mid-sentence and takes a deep breath to try to calm her furious state. _Remember it’s her birthday._ “Look, Shir— uhh, I have to go. I forgot I have to pick up Ali and Ash from the airport with Alex in about ten minutes. We’re playing against them on Sunday.” Lying has become the norm for the midfielder by now when it comes to her and Shirley’s relationship— or whatever’s left of it. She _is_ playing against them on Sunday, and Alex _is_ picking them up from the airport, but Tobin’s definitely not going with her.

“Oh.”

“Bye, happy birthday again.” Tobin says, and she rushes to hang up.

She’s not quick enough, though, as she can still hear the other girl mutter a sad _I love you, Tobin,_ on the other end before her thumb finally ends the call.

*

Tobin had started loathing going to bed at night ever since the night after their game against Chicago. 

She started hating it because falling asleep had become an increasingly harder task as the days went by. This night it’s no different. And if there’s anything she hates more than going to bed and not being able to fall asleep, it’s missing Christen’s body next to hers.

What’s foreign to Tobin is that she doesn’t find herself craving Christen in a sexual way. She misses the atmosphere they were surrounded by the morning they got to wake up next to each other. The safe and undisturbed mood that settled over them was blissful and it made Tobin feel as full as she hadn’t felt for a very long time. It’s weird, how it seems that Christen has become some type of comforting place to Tobin. Tobin has never felt that way with anyone, not even with Shirley.

Sure, she had fallen in love with the Costa Rican girl and used to enjoy her company a lot during their best moments, but she had never felt so serene, so… at _home_ whenever she spent time with her not-yet ex girlfriend.

Just thinking about finally putting an end to her relationship brings Tobin a big sense of loss, despite not having any romantic feelings left for the PSG player. After all, three years of adjusting both of their lives to try to make their relationship work had been a big deal. 

But Tobin is prepared now, and despite having decided to conclude it, she’s surprisingly grateful that their relationship took place. After all, this relationship was the one that helped her stop trying to pretend she was someone she was not. It helped her stop telling herself that she needed just this _one guy_ that she would eventually find and that everything would finally make sense, that she’d be able to have the life that society expected her to have.

Her relationship with Shirley helped her let go of all her inner fears, to accept herself for who she actually was, and it also encouraged her to _finally_ come out to her family and close friends, who— to Tobin’s dismay— were anything but surprised by her confession.

In some way, the many hours of sleep Tobin has lost have led her to grasp all of this— and also to another realization. 

What she feels for Christen now, she can’t exactly name it yet— _doesn’t want to_ name it yet. But now she knows that it’s been progressing for a while.

It all began when both of them, being the introverts that they are, needed to get away from their teammate’s boisterous late night meetings after dinner, and had agreed to go walking together around the city. That had evolved into going hiking in the mornings (yes, Tobin, the not-a-morning-person getting up early just to wander around with Christen without a care in the world), and sometimes going to each other’s rooms just to hang out when they didn’t feel like socializing with the other girls from the national team.

Which led Tobin, the homebody without a home, to California in late November during their break the previous year. Sure, she went there to spend some time with Amy and Alex, maybe even Whitney, and stayed at Amy’s house, but she couldn’t be near Christen and not spend some time with her. Plus, all the Cali girls and Tobin would take a flight together to their next camp in Brazil for the Brasilia International Tournament that was going to take place in December. Everything was flawlessly planned and it all suited the circumstances perfectly.

So both of them went hiking again. Alone. Because Tobin had started to love spending time with Christen when no one else was around. It was easy. It was nice. It was comfortable. Tobin began wondering why she hadn’t ever hung out with Christen alone before and couldn’t come up with an answer. _We just never talked much._

There, standing on a huge rock at the chilly beach not too far from Christen’s house, Tobin asked Christen if she could snap a picture of her. She wanted to remember that moment. Spending a few hours hanging out with Christen always caused Tobin’s mood brighten up. She felt happy. She felt hopeful. She felt alive. She felt free.

Tobin is pretty sure that’s where her now budding feelings started developing, but there’s no doubt that the Algarve Cup in Europe only strengthened them.

Christen was her roommate. The midfielder was elated. That way they didn’t have to leave the room to spend time together and they could stay as peaceful as ever in it.

There’s no doubt that Tobin hated mornings with her whole being— she always did and always will— but that morning was unbelievably beautiful to her. 

She wasn’t sure if it was the Atlantic Ocean outside, or the sun reflecting on the water and causing streams of light to filter into the room beautifully, or if it was Christen sitting on her bed checking her planner on her lap, completely undisturbed. She never really put too much thought into it until now. But now she knows that _that_ was the moment it happened. 

Tobin found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the forward, who was there— looking so peaceful, so beautiful, so calm— she just couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to forget this. She always found candids a lot more appealing— because they were genuine, unscripted— and that was exactly what she wanted. She wanted this picture to hold the essence of the moment. So she didn’t say anything to Christen until after she took it, to ask her if she liked it.

The forward was surprised. But when the midfielder panicked after realizing how creepy she must have been and tried to explain herself, Christen just shook her head and smiled reassuringly, asking her to send her the picture because she _loved it_.

And during practice— she can’t believe her own obliviousness— she asked _Christen_ if she wanted to be her “training buddy” for this fun exercise Dawn had given them because she just wanted to have the forward close to her. She didn’t even try to grab 

Right now, Tobin doesn’t know how it’s possible that she hadn’t realized it earlier. She’s liked Christen for way longer than she even registered. And it never crossed her mind that the dark-haired girl may have felt the same way for even longer. _I’m so fucking stupid. I suck. How can she even like me? I never thought about how she felt. Man, I’m awful._

After a few more minutes of reflecting on her and Christen’s relationship, Tobin fights the intense urge she has to call— or at least text— her teammate. _I miss her so much, I can’t wait until I see her again. But— I don’t want to be clingy. I hate clinginess. Why am I being clingy? What’s wrong with me?_

Tobin sighs deeply and buries her face in her pillow, trying once again to invoke sleep by closing her eyes and doing her best to clear her head. It finally works. But only after several minutes of forcing her mind to stop recalling what Christen’s lips felt like against hers.

**

Camp day finally arrives, and Christen is more relieved than she thought she’d be when she finds out she’s not rooming with Tobin this time around. However, that doesn’t mean she’s not jittery about what her perceptive roomie may ask her if Christen keeps gravitating towards Tobin— like she’s been doing lately— and she starts to put the pieces together. The forward paces around the room while planning what to do to keep her roommate from noticing Christen and Tobin’s behavior around each other.

_Okay, she won’t ask me anything if I act like I used to_ before _everything happened. Just friendly, nothing else. She already knows I had a crush on Tobin though, so—_

“Chris, I’m so happy we’re rooming together!!” Ali tells the other dark-haired girl upon entering the room, leaving her luggage at the doorway in favor of enveloping her teammate in a hug.

“Oh my god, me too! I was just thinking about that.” Christen says with a nervous laugh, hugging the other girl back.

“So, are we doing each other’s nails as usual?” Ali asks, withdrawing from the hug and wiggling her eyebrows at Christen, earning a giggle from her.

“Of course! How about tonight after recovery?” the forward asks, a little too chipper, even for herself.

“Yeah, sounds… great.” the defender squints her eyes suspiciously at the grey-eyed girl in front of her. “Are you okay? You seem pretty tense.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Christen says dismissively, pacing around the room once again, “I just didn’t have the time to meditate this morning— you know how it affects me sometimes—”

“Alright,” Ali says, interrupting Christen’s nervous banter and bringing her suitcase and duffel bag into the room “I’ll leave these here and I’ll go see if Ash is downstairs for breakfast yet so you can have some time on your own to meditate. You really do seem stressed, Chris.” Ali says, glancing at her worriedly.

“Uhh— it’s really nothing, I mean…” Christen tries to come up with an excuse and she finds _just the perfect_ _one,_ “my sister’s wedding is in a few days and I— I won’t be here for the game on the 20th, so I’m just trying to stay focused on doing my best on this next game, if I get the chance to play.”

“You’ll do just great.” Ali replies, her blinding smile making an appearance and earning a small one from the forward in return. “See you later.”

“Yeah, I hope I _do_ great.” Christen mutters with a sigh, knowing that the defender probably didn’t hear her but thankful for it.

_Okay, Christen, you’re going to be okay. It’s not hard, just give her space. It’s always easier when she’s away thou—_

A knock interrupts Christen’s internal pep talk and she goes to open the door.

“Hey, wanna head down for breakfast with me?” the reason for Christen’s now tenfold stressful life asks on the other side of the door, leaning on the door frame with a relaxed smile.

“Hi,” Christen smiles shyly, “Yeah, just— wait a second.”

The forward rushes to grab her phone and her keycard before heading back to the doorway, where the midfielder is awaiting her with a seemingly happy disposition. _God, I can’t believe I_

“So,” Tobin says, retreating from the door and waiting for Christen to close it so they can leave, “how’s life treating you, miss Press?”

“Oh, just well, you know,” the dark-haired girl replies, staring at the floor with a bashful smile on her lips, “how’s it been treating you?” she asks, her voice sweet and mellow.

The midfielder sighs. “Not so well lately, to be honest. But a lot better today.”

Tobin’s left hand brushes Christen’s right one on their way to the elevator repeatedly. Christen doesn’t think anything of it at first, but when they come to a stop and she looks up only to see Tobin smiling at her with shiny and playful eyes, she knows that she did it deliberately.

“And why is that?” Christen dares to ask, trying not to make any assumptions but her hopeless heart beats her to it. _Is it because of me?_

“Oh, you know,” Tobin says, pressing the button to call the elevator, “I just love camps.” The wink Tobin sends Christen’s way leaves her breathless for few second it takes until the elevator opens before them.

“I didn’t know you did.” Christen ponders amusedly.

“I do. I love spending time with my friends.” Tobin says, raising a scolding eyebrow at Christen’s amusement.

_Friends._

She _knows_ Tobin meant it playfully, but it reminded Christen of the huge struggle she’s been having ever since the last night they spent together last camp. 

_Right. We’re just_ friends _. I promised myself I’d treat her just like one. And I will._

“So do I.” Christen says with a tight-lipped smile, clenching her jaw slightly. “Speaking of friends—have you seen Kelley? You know we weren’t exactly on the best terms last camp and we’ve already worked it out but I just really need to— like—”

“Yeah, I get it. See her so that it feels real that you’re both actually okay? ” Tobin interrupts, “She’s probably already having breakfast.”

As if on cue, the elevator door opens and they’re on their way to the meeting room for breakfast with the rest of their teammates. 

Christen notices Ali tilts her head to the side upon seeing her and Tobin entering the room with a genuinely confused look on her face.

_Fuck, I was supposed to be upstairs meditating. Shit. What should I tell Ali?_

The forward sends an awkward smile to the defender and rubs her stomach in a way to signal she’s hungry as an explanation for her unexpected arrival.

“What’s wrong?” Tobin questions, noticing the exchange between the two roommates.

“Oh, nothing, I’m just hungry.” Christen replies, trying to sound as dismissive as she can.

“Are you sure that’s all?” The midfielder insists, putting a hand on Christen’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Uhh— I’ll go find Kelley.” Christen mutters and she immediately walks away, leaving Tobin there with a sentence hanging from her lips.

After finding Kelley and giving her a really tight hug that was long overdue, Christen does her best to act like she used to before everything unfolded with Tobin. Having breakfast with her friends and eventually glancing over to check how Tobin was doing.

She’s happy with her success. 

Tobin is definitely not.

**

“Okay, that’s the last one.” Christen says as she finishes painting Ali’s little finger’s fingernail.

“Yay! They look so great, Chris. I’d give you a hug but then these beauties would end up ruined and neither of us wants that.” Ali says, looking down at her hands with a big, thankful smile.

“Yeah, mine would be ruined, too.” Christen muses with a small giggle.

“So,” Ali sighs as she lowers her hands onto her lap, “is there anything you want to tell me?”

Christen gulps because she _knew_ this was coming. “What would I want to tell you?”

“Well, were you actually stressed because you didn’t meditate or was it because of a certain teammate we’re both pretty familiar with?” Ali questions with a raised eyebrow, giving Christen a stern look.

“How do you do that?” Christen asks, and she’s not sure if she should laugh or cry.

“How do I do what?” Ali asks, her eyes squinting a little.

“You know everything. You always figure things out too quickly.” Christen says, exasperated.

“Well, I can just smell—”

“Don’t say it—” Christen tries to interrupt her but it’s all in vain.

“—the sexual tension.” Ali finishes with a mischievous smile.

“ _What?_ ” Christen squeaks, alarmed by what the defender just said.

“Christen, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to have it bad for a teammate and how confusing and frustrating everything can be.” The defender shrugs and gives the forward a sympathetic smile.

“It really is frustrating. I mean— did you see what she did?” Christen asks unbelievingly.

“What? How she ‘sneakily’ followed you around during training?” Ali asks, raising both of her eyebrows.

“Yeah, but als—”

“How she put her hand on your shoulder and left it there a little too long when she was talking to you?”

“Ugh, you did se—”

“How she bit her lip during said conversation?”

“She’s driving me crazy.” Christen says, throwing her hands in the air before putting them back down on her lap after remembering that her nails still needed to dry.  
“It reminds me so much of how Ash and I started…” Ali sighs, with a dreamy smile on her face, “what’s the matter though? Why can’t you just be together?” She asks with as her brow furrows in confusion.

“She has a girlfriend in France.” Christen explains, pursing her lips after finishing her sentence.

“Oh, they're still—” Ali says, clearly shocked by the information Christen just let her on.

“And we both agreed to stay just friends until she breaks up with her.” Christen says, shrugging her shoulders and trying not to make a big deal of it, even though it is.

“Oh my god, that’s so much drama.” The defender grimaces at her teammate and shakes her head slightly.

“I know, it’s been stressing me for weeks.” Christen groans, throwing herself back on the pillow that was being her and resting her head on the headboard.  
“Look, Christen. I know this is hard. And I know how much you’ve liked her, and also how long you’ve had a crush on her. And— well, I don’t mean to be rude or anything— but do you really see a future for you two?” Ali asks, carefully placing her hand on her teammate’s leg in a comforting way.

“What do you mean?” The forward asks, tilting her head to the side, readying herself to hear what her teammate has to say.

“Well, a big part of the reason why I struggled so much when Ashlyn appeared out of nowhere and turned my world upside down has nothing to do with my sexuality.” Ali begins, pausing for a moment with a small sigh, “It was also because of my soccer career. Like— what if we broke up and I still had to see her during national team camps? It would totally affect the way the backline works since I’m a defender and we’re both pretty much forced to have a lot of chemistry for things to work.”

“Oh—”

“And don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging what you and Tobin have— not at all. I’m just telling you that you _both_ need to be absolutely sure that this is a relationship you both want, and that you’re _both_ willing to put a lot of effort in, because there could be serious consequences if things don’t work out.” The defender finishes, and the forward could not agree more with her.

“Yeah, I see where you’re coming from. And you’re right. I’ve also thought about that a lot but I’ve never been this sure about something in my life.” Christen says determinedly, “It’s pretty sad that I can only talk for myself, though.” She lets out a sad sigh and looks down at the mattress, wondering if Tobin would actually be willing to take this risk with her.

“Oh, Chris.” Ali sighs, leaning her head on Christen’s shoulder and wrapping an arm around her waist, nails be damned. “Let’s just hope that everything turns out to be okay.” She says, and Christen ends up feeling grateful that she got to room with this wonderful girl.

“Yeah,” she sighs, leaning her head onto Ali’s, her mind long gone, “let’s hope so.”

**

Christen had to leave right after their game against Haiti. She was more than happy that she got to score a goal after all of the torture she had to endure during that camp.

Tobin kept haunting her. Not in a bad way— Christen knew that the midfielder had grown attached to her as of lately, but she made staying true to their agreement too hard on the forward.

Grazing their hands whenever they walked next to each other. Darting her tongue out to wet her lips during a conversation. Winking at her when making a joke. Laughing and causing butterflies to erupt in the Californian girl’s stomach.

Christen’s still not sure how she made it through. But she did. And here she is, the night after her sister’s wedding, at her house in LA, in her bedroom. Still thinking about Tobin. 

She got two texts from Tobin too early in the morning— due to the time difference— that she still hasn’t replied to. She’s been reading them over and over again. Just like she is now.

_I hope you had fun last night! Congrats to the newlyweds from me!_

_Your date was pretty cute, by the way :)_

She finds herself unable to hold back a smile when she thinks about the other girl finding her dog, Morena— her wedding date— cute.

She’s startled when her phone starts ringing in her hand and she sees Tobin’s name appear on her screen. 

_What the hell?_

She’s not sure if she should pick up— and hesitates a little before deciding that she’s unintentionally ignored Tobin for long enough already, so she answers.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” the midfielder mumbles lowly.

“Hi, Tobs.” Christen says in a sweet voice.

“Hi, Chris. I missed you today. Well, yesterday. I mean— you know what I mean.” Tobin rambles, and Christen snickers because she knows that it’s probably ‘tomorrow’ already for Tobin, considering she’s probably still on the other side of the country.

“Yeah, I know. I missed you too.” Christen says, her voice a little strangled as she realizes just how much she’s actually missed the other soccer player.

“I just— I mean, I’m probably just paranoid but— are you mad at me?” Tobin asks, fear evident in her voice.

“No. Why would I be mad at you?” The forward asks, even though she already knows why Tobin’s asking her this.

“You’ve just been… distant.” The midfielder replies, sounding small and fragile.

“I guess I’ve just been… trying to deal with… stuff.” Christen explains awkwardly, not really knowing how else she could say it without being over-dramatic.

“Does that stuff have to do with us?” Tobin questions.

“Yeah, it— it does.” The dark-haired girl stutters slightly.

“Is it a bad thing?” The midfielder inquires again.

“No, I think it’s not a bad thing.”

“Can you tell me what it is?” Tobin asks politely and so gently that Christen just couldn’t deny her the answer.

“It’s— Tobin, we’re _friends_. Or at least that’s what we agreed to be.” Christen reminds the midfielder sternly.

“Yeah, I know.” Tobin sighs tiredly.

“And you were definitely not being friendly.”

“What?” Tobin asks, sounding truly confused.

“Sorry, I guess I worded that wrong. You were being _a little too friendly_.” Christen says remorsefully.

“Oh. Is that so?”

“Yeah, and I just— I had to stay away, you know? I couldn’t risk another slip-up when things are already as complicated as they could possibly be.” Christen explains sensibly.

“But— are we— like— we’re okay, right?” the midfielder asks, and Christen knows, by how terrified she sounds, that there’s no way they won’t be able to make things work.

“Yes, we’re okay. We’re great.” Christen says sweetly, trying to ease Tobin’s mind.

“Okay. I just needed to know that.” Tobin murmurs before yawning on the other end of the line.

“Why?” Christen’s not sure why she asks it, but once the word flies out of her mouth she can only hold her breath until she gets a reply from the other girl.

“Because I’m tired of not being able to stop thinking about us and worrying until I fall asleep out of exhaustion.”

Christen doesn’t know how to reply, and she’s glad that Tobin speaks again before an awkward silence stretches between them.

“Every night. Every night all I want to do is call you and ask you where this is going but— I’ve never been like this, Chris, you know? And today I’m just too tired of it and I was worried that I did something wrong to upset you and— I tried playing it cool but— ugh, I’m just so tired.” Tobin groans frustratedly.

“Shh, it’s okay—” Christen bites her tongue before an endearment escapes her lips upon hearing how desperate Tobin’s voice sounds. “We’re fine, Tobs. I promise.”

“We are?” Tobin asks shakily.

“Yes. Get some sleep now, okay? You need some rest.” The forward murmurs sweetly into her phone.

“Can you promise me something else, Chris?” Tobin asks instead.

“What would that be?”

“I’m pretty hard to deal with most of the time but— can you promise me you’ll be patient?”

Christen’s not sure at all about what Tobin means by that, but she can’t deny her that promise. Not when she was already willing to remain as patient as she’s always been when it came to her _before_ the girl even asked her to.

“Well, you’re lucky patience is my virtue, Tobs.” Christen says with a proud smile on her face.

“Oh, I’m definitely a lucky one.” Tobin muses with a laugh.

“Alright, goodnight Tobin.” Christen says, stifling a yawn of her own, “Sleep tight.”

“Don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Tobin mumbles, laughing lightly, “goodnight, Chris.”

After hanging up, Christen stares at her ceiling and smiles, but holds her hopes back before they’re too high and end up betraying her.

_One step at a time, Christen. Slow and steady. It’ll all be fine. You’ll both be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Christen's POV? Yes. I thought a little insight into her thoughts and how she's dealing with the situation would be nice so... that's that. Next chapter will be 100% Christen's POV so that should be interesting.
> 
> Also, a shoutout to my best friend for proofreading all these chapters and helping them become a little more decent (I finished this one at 2:16 am with a terrible headache) even though she's drowning in midterms and finals. Thank you for that, buddy!
> 
> Anyway, what do you guys think? 
> 
> Feel free to comment or hit me up on tumblr at kiss-mx.tumblr.com
> 
> Have a GREAT weekend! If you're going to drink, don't drive and if you're going to drive, don't drink. Stay safe, please (:
> 
> PS: Can you believe how much Preath we've had lately? And that C took T to London so she could be her DATE at that gala? I still can't. Those little shits. Ugh, I love them.


	4. Only Love (Acoustic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's long overdue.
> 
> Let me begin by apologizing profusely for taking so long to update. It's been seven months and I feel like shit for having kept you guys waiting for so long.
> 
> So here's a small background story of the main reasons why it took me so long:
> 
> 1\. College:  
> First off, I'm not American, so college works differently in my country.  
> I'm from Paraguay. I'm an engineering major, and there was a problem with my Faculty's Dean Election when I started writing the story. We (the students) were on this revolutionary campaign in which we decided to stop going to classes in protest to him being elected (he had a long history of corruption)- so I had a lot of time to plan the plot for each chapter and write the story. I even started baking cookies and selling them because I had that much free time!  
> We stopped having classes for four months because the damn guy didn't want to resign, we lost a whole semester and... guess what!  
> He was removed from his position in January. And we got back to classes in January. With no breaks for two whole years to recover the semester we lost. I had classes on Saturdays from 7 AM to 6 PM, apart from weekdays.   
> I finished my final exams three weeks ago, and this is my new semester's fourth week. It's honestly crazy, but I guess it's alright. Except that I don't really have time to give writing my all- and I'm an all or nothing type of person.
> 
> 2\. Writer's block.  
> Don't think that I didn't try. I tried so many times but I just never seemed to like what ended up in front of me. I redid it so many times that I ended up just being frustrated and sad, and I decided on leaving it on a standby for my academic sake ):
> 
> 3\. It feels like too much of a personal chapter.  
> I've been in Christen's place for a while now (over two years and a half), and writing this chapter would have put me in a very vulnerable state. It feels selfish, really, but I just didn't want to go there. Not when I'm still trying to tell myself that it's not going to happen and that all we're meant to be is good friends. So if what you read really gets to you- I'll be very glad. It felt a little bit like therapy, haha.
> 
> Okay, so... if you read this, I thank you very much for it. I am so grateful for it.
> 
> I apologize again. I am truly sorry.
> 
> This one's inspired by Only Love by Pvris.

If there is one thing that defines Christen, it’s her determination. 

Ever since she was a kid, if something didn’t work out in the first try, she’d try again and again until she got it right. And after that, she’d keep enhancing her abilities until she excelled at them.

It happened with soccer (learning to use her weak foot took endless hours of hard work, but she managed to do it), it happened with math problems in school— it even happened with chess during college. She’s so good at it now that anyone would think she’s been playing since she was a kid, when in reality, all she did was spend a few hours a week trying to beat her tough rival, _her computer,_ throughout her Stanford freshman year and it did the trick. People were blown by her skills at the game. _(Well, she may have also read a whole book on how to be the best at chess, but it seriously helped so there was absolutely nothing wrong with that)._

Christen Press is a perseverant woman— has always been one— but it’s not an easy task for her to stay motivated. And much less when she sees little to no progress.

It’s definitely not usual— extremely rare, actually— but today she feels most of her resolve leave her.

She’s confused, truly. Everything seemed to be going perfectly well between her and Tobin, but the midfielder’s interaction with her _still girlfriend_ on social media over the Men’s National Team game against Costa Rica left her wondering if Tobin was leading her on just for fun and playing around with her.

She doesn’t want to address it. Mainly because she’s still trying her best to maintain her relationship with Tobin as a platonic one, but also because she’s terrified of getting heartbroken. _If it all goes wrong, will I finally learn?_

She can’t stop herself from rereading the midfielder’s tweet over and over again.

_#USMNT v Costa Rica. A lot is on the line for this friendly @ShirleyCruzCR :)_

Christen can’t help but wonder _what_ was “on the line”, but she’s definitely not going to ask. She’s dying to know— she really is— but she knows she’s not in a position to demand an explanation, and she knows that if she’s too insistent and straightforward it may end up scaring the midfielder away. 

So, as a way to simplify things, Christen decides that the safest choice is to distance herself a little as a way to protect herself from hurting again. Because getting hurt would end up being her fault and no one else’s— she’s aware of this— and it would be very foolish of her to allow herself to go through that again.

October camp comes faster than she could’ve expected and it’s easy enough for her to stay away from Tobin— since the games to come would be Lauren’s last ones and, luckily for the forward, the New Kids would be spending as much time together as they possibly could— but it’s a little bit too hard to restrain herself from melting over the light and short but reassuring touches that Tobin would give her during scrimmages and the sweet smiles she would send her from afar.

It’s really tough, but Christen does it— and she does such a good job at controlling her feelings that she’s unbelievably proud of herself.

That is, until Lauren’s last game comes. 

She knows that Tobin has been an emotional mess for a while by now, but won’t let it show because that’s just how she is— not wanting anyone to worry about her and somehow managing to look collected when she’s feeling ripped apart— and Christen has been trying so hard to just _let her be_ and _let her pretend she’s okay_ , but today, in particular, she can see right through Tobin and she can’t stand it anymore.

She’s laughing around with everyone— Christen may have even believed it was a genuine laugh if she didn’t know her well enough— but her eyes are dull and lacking the spark they usually have. _They’ve been that way for quite some time…_ Christen thinks.

She wonders if everyone else actually believes that Tobin’s okay— if she’s the only one who notices the way she drifts off a lot more than usual during conversations and how tired and detached she looks during mornings, even for herself. It upsets her that no one else has picked up on it, because now, despite how much effort she’s put into staying away from her, she can’t bring herself to keep it up. She cares too much for Tobin to just let her drown on her own.

So when she approaches the midfielder during warm-ups on their last game against Brazil and sees Tobin’s eyes light up the slightest bit, she instantly stops regretting her change of mind.

They ended up winning 3-1, and even though she didn’t get to play, Christen was happy that they got to say goodbye to Lauren and Lori with a good result.

When the game ends, as per usual, Christen joins the girls on the field to pat them on the back for their performance and hang out with them. 

She rounds the field for a little while before starting to head back to the locker room to change, and is surprised to feel an arm wrapping around her shoulder on the way out. Her surprise only heightens when she turns to look and it’s _Tobin_ , and she’s smiling at her, looking all warm and lovely— and despite all of the confusion she has brought her lately, she can’t help but smile back when the butterflies in her stomach go wild when she notices Tobin’s eyes sparkling the slightest bit more when she greets her.

They make jokes and laugh on their way out of the field and it feels _so easy—_ just as easy as it is for Tobin to turn Christen into a giddy mess— and the forward wonders how in the world she’s supposed to stay distant from the other girl when all she wants to do is get as close as she can to Tobin and surrender to all the things she makes her feel.

When they get there and Tobin unwraps her arm around Christen and leaves to take a shower with an “ _I’ll be back”_ , Christen sighs deeply and takes a seat on the nearest bench she can find.

_What am I supposed to do about her? I don’t want to stay away because she makes me_ this _happy but I feel so torn when reality starts to sink in…_

She ponders for a moment until she sees a person standing in front of her and looks up to see Lauren staring at her with a kind smile.

“Hey,” Lauren says, pointing at the space beside Christen on the bench, “do you mind if I take a seat?”

“No, of course not!” Christen replies, sliding to the right instinctively to make more space for the now retired player, even though there was plenty of it. “What a great game, huh?” she says, with a small hint of wistfulness in her voice at the thought that this was the midfielder’s last match and a tight smile on her lips.

“Yeah, it went surprisingly well,” Lauren replied, sounding happy and sad at the same time, “I couldn’t have asked for a better last game.”

“How are you feeling?” Christen asks, sitting up straighter and turning a little to face the midfielder better.

“It’s hard to explain…” Lauren replies, twitching her lips a little as if to try and elaborate an explanation, “I’m going to miss you guys so much. The team. The games. I’m even going to miss training and conditioning, and that’s saying something!” she says with a wet laugh, and Christen smiles in sympathy and puts a hand on Lauren’s forearm in a supporting manner.

“We’ll miss you too,” Christen says, and she says it for all the girls but particularly for one.

“Chris, can I… ask you something?” Lauren says seriously, and Christen’s heartbeat quickens for a moment because she _knows_ where this is going.

“Yes, anything,” Christen says, and she wants to cringe when she hears her voice waver in the last syllable as a telling of her nerves.

“Well, you may have already noticed that Tobin hasn’t been doing well lately…” Lauren says.

Christen has _so many questions_ right now but all she does is nod and whisper a soft “yes, I have…” because there’s no way she could ask all of those questions and have them answered before Tobin comes back.

  
“And you’re probably wondering how I know this but… that’s a story for another time,” Lauren explains, smiling a little at Christen in a reassuring way to help her calm her nerves a little bit, “I just want to ask you to watch out for her. I know that it may sound a bit overdramatic but now that I’m leaving you’re probably the only person I can trust enough to help her keep her feet on the ground,” she continues, putting a hand on Christen’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

“I-I… do you… why?” Christen ends up pointing at herself as struggles to form a proper question and Lauren laughs at her, shaking her head slightly.

“Oh, Press. Let’s just establish that I’m an intuitive person. And I happen to have noticed that you care a lot about her.” 

“Man, and here I thought I was subtle about it…” Christen sighs, looking at her lap with a shy smile on her face.

Lauren stands up and smiles at Christen knowingly, and Christen doesn’t know why that is until Tobin walks back into the locker room and Christen’s face and eyes light up when she sees her.

“Sure, Jan,” Lauren whispers before Tobin comes over to wrap her up in a hug and hides her face in her best friend’s neck.

Christen smiles at the interaction and stands up to give them some privacy, and when she does, Lauren send a small nod and a smile her way, which Christen returns.

On her way out, Christen decides to look back one last time and she crumbles when she sees the way Tobin is shaking in Lauren’s arms and holding onto her as if her life depended on it.

_No matter what happens between us, I’ll always watch out for her, Chen. I promise_

 

* * *

 

It was weird. How one day Tobin acted all lovely and sweet and touchy, and the next one she didn’t even bother to say goodbye to Christen before leaving. 

What’s worse is that Christen can’t blame it on anyone but herself for letting her hopes up instead of controlling them. 

Sure, they’d meet again in D.C. since the President had invited them to the White House after becoming World Cup Champions, but… why didn’t she tell her she was going to leave earlier?

It bothered her so much. Not the fact that Tobin left without notice, but the fact that she felt so needy and so pathetic and so very much _unlike herself_ and _she didn’t need this._  

At times she hated that she cared so much for the midfielder and that she felt it wasn’t requited. It felt unjust. It left some type of empty void inside her. And whenever this happened, she felt bad because she knew it wasn’t right to demand anything from Tobin. She didn’t know where Tobin and her stood and it was _so_ hard to deal with it on her own. 

And it was only harder when the midfielder’s mixed signals messed up the forward’s head and heart.

Two days later, they’re having breakfast together in D.C. before heading to the White House— they’re not alone, they’re with Lauren and Alyssa, but Tobin’s back to treating Christen like she _means_ something to her and Christen does all she can to interpret the way Tobin’s hand is on her back when they stand up or the way she tucks Christen’s hair behind her ear when it falls onto her face as a friendly action. _Friends do that, don’t they?_

Christen’s hands are sweaty and her legs are shaking when they get to the White House, because she’s meeting the _President_ , and she admires him so much, and she’s been practicing what she’s going to say to him for a week and— before she knows it, she’s tripping and steadying herself with heels is _so hard_ and she’s mortified that she’s about to fall and make a fool of herself and—

“Whoa there!” she feels two strong arms steadying her and she feels relieved for a moment until she recognizes that voice, “How come you never get injured in a game but you almost do when coming to visit the President?” Tobin asks, laughing at the dark-haired forward.

“Oh come on,” Christen says, standing up straight and taking a step away from the midfielder so that the feeling of her hands on her waist doesn’t add up to the nervousness she’s already feeling, “don’t you dare tell me you’re not at least a little bit… intimidated.”

“Yeah, I mean… I guess I’m more excited than intimidated but…” Tobin trails off when she notices Christen’s trembling hand and she takes it, “you’re shaking, Chris. Do you want to come over and sit for a bit?” She asks, and Christen’s heart flutters at the way Tobin’s voice asks the question in such a caring and thoughtful way that she’s worried she’s going to trip again when Tobin takes her by the wrist and starts leading her to a chair that’s conveniently near them and makes her sit down.

“Do you mind if I sit next to you?” Tobin asks, and Christen’s confused because the chair is meant to be only for _one_ person and they’d end up being too close and that’s something she should avoid if she wants to keep her guard up.

Tobin reads the confusion in the forward’s face and explains, a bit embarrassed, “Heels are really uncomfortable to me…”

Tobin looks so shy and even a little bit self-conscious— very unlike herself— and something in Christen snaps in that moment. The midfielder seems to be trying to get closer to her but all she does is act wary about it and… _is that actually helping? Ugh, fuck all of this overthinking._

“ _Shoes_ are uncomfortable to you,” Christen says with a smile as she moves a little bit to the right so that the midfielder can sit next to her.

“You’re right,” Tobin laughs, moving to sit next to the forward, “but heels are worse. I mean, you tell me. You’re the one that almost fell,” she says, nudging Christen’s shoulder with her own playfully.

“I’m about as nervous over meeting the President as they told me you were when you were meeting Taylor Swift back in July,” Christen replies with a stifle laugh.

“Oh, crap,” Tobin says, quickly putting a hand on Christen’s knee, finally understanding it, “I get it now… I’m sorry Chris, I didn’t know you were _that_ nervous” Tobin says, squeezing her hand on Christen’s leg, and the forward hopes that the heat she feels rising on her cheeks is hidden by the small amount of blush she applied in the morning.

“It’s okay, it’ll be over soon,” she says, pretending to look at the portraits that were hanging on the walls as an excuse for not looking at her teammate.

Tobin looks around distractedly for a little bit, as Christen tries to put herself back together while concealing her feelings as best as she could.

“Let’s take a picture,” she suddenly hears the midfielder’s voice say, and it’s so casual and simple and _Tobin_ that she doesn’t even hesitate to look for her phone in her purse after replying an easy “okay”.

She prepares to snap the picture and it’s just _so lovely and surreal_ to be taking a selfie with her _friend_ ,— whom she’s had a crush on for over three years— at the _White House_ , sitting on a chair that’s meant for one person because _she requested to_ , with said _friend_ ’s hand on her waist, that the smile she ends up capturing on the picture is effortlessly genuine. And she loves the feeling she gets when Tobin says she _loves it_ and asks her to _send it to her_.

Lauren comes up to them, accompanied by Whitney, and Christen feels completely exposed when the now former midfielder sends a mischievous look and a small smirk her way. It had been odd enough that she hadn’t done it over breakfast, but that was probably because Tobin sitting next to Christen, and opposite to Lauren, and she may have caught Lauren’s expression and taken a hint that they weren’t being as stealthy as she thought they were.

And right now, the younger midfielder, without really seeing her best friend’s expression or sensing Christen’s sheepishness, puts her arm around the forward and rests her hand on the chair seat while greeting both of her teammates again with a smile on her face.

Christen can feel the heat rising to her cheeks, and when Whitney tilts her head a little with a confused smile, she knows she’s going to have to do some explanation on their way back to California.

They all talk for a while before and take some pictures before the president arrives, and Christen’s so starstruck when he comes over to shake her hand that she almost forgets to pronounce the line she’d been practicing for days, although she manages to get out a “It is an honor to shake your hand, Mr. President,” before he goes ahead to shake Whitney’s hand.

Once President Obama is done giving the _very_ empowering and _very_ lovely speech he prepared for them— telling them that the team showed America that _playing like a girl means being a badass_ — the girls cheer excitedly before they’re called over to a small stage to take some pictures with him.

Tobin is standing behind Christen on the stage, and she’s trying to keep her balance when  one of her hands accidentally grazes Christen’s butt— and it thankfully goes unnoticed by the others but definitely not by the forward.

“You can save that for another time,” Christen mutters under her breath, and Tobin is suddenly very agitated and giddy and overly clumsy, and she has to hold onto Christen to keep herself from falling. 

Before Tobin could regain her composure and reply with something to get a similar reaction out of Christen, Whit— who’s in front of the green-eyed girl— is telling the forward to look at the camera. Tobin hears her as well, so she gets ready for the picture. While she does so, she looks a little to her right and notices that the man standing behind her has an awkward look on his face. Then she realizes that it must be because he accidentally overheard what Christen said to her, she just laughs to shake it off.

It’s a nice feeling; it really is. Christen’s heart feels so warm and full and it’s a feeling she never wants to let go of.

Being around Tobin this morning was wonderful. It’s funny, the way their personalities seem to merge together perfectly in a way the forward can’t explain— it’s as if they’re the same on many aspects but completely different at the same time. 

Christen really likes it. She’s starting to believe that there’s no reason to overthink anything with Tobin. Sure, she’s still confused over the girlfriend-situation from before, but by the way Tobin’s been treating her today, she feels reassured enough stop worrying too much about it. 

 

* * *

 

November comes and goes in the blink of an eye and Christen doesn’t hear from Tobin for most of the month. She doesn’t reach out because she doesn’t want to scare the midfielder away, but her patience’s wearing thin and she’s frustrated to no end.

She’s dying to know where they stand. To give Tobin a call and ask her if she’s still willing to give her a chance. To ask if she even _has_ a chance, because she’s so hurt that Tobin had the audacity to lead her on the last time they saw each other and then she just disappeared. Again.

It’s killing Christen, having to wait around in all of this uncertainty, and she’s _so scared_ and _so unsure;_ but she also knows that she has to give Tobin some space to take care of things— to go through the motions and make up her mind— before she can go ahead and find out the answer to her question.

Christen’s not in an easy position but she knows that Tobin’s not in one either. And so she tries really hard to remain unbroken and understanding, because she’s known from the moment she saw Tobin that there was _something_ there, and she knew that if she remained composed through this limbo they were going through, it’d be worth it at the end. 

_Or maybe that’s just the foolishly hopeful part of me that wants to hold onto nothing._

Romantic problems aside— she’d been keeping in touch with Grassroot Soccer throughout the month, and when they asked her what she thought of going to South Africa as their ambassador, it seemed  to be an absolutely brilliant idea.

It’s not to distract herself from the situation with her teammate— not at all—but more so to help empower these girls she’ll be working with— to show them that they can become whomever they want to be— and also to address the social problems that were present in the world, but particularly in their society.

She thought it was a good idea to invite Channing to go with her. Well, if you could call that _inviting—_ since she got her sister plane tickets to South Africa as a birthday present and put them in small box with a card, so it wouldn’t be too much of a simple thing. 

When Channing opened the box and read the _I know you’ve done a lot of meditating in Asia and America, but how does Africa sound?_ Christen wrote on the card, she excitedly jumped over to hug her sister and proceeded to thank her nonstop for over five minutes.

They arrive there and make the most of their days. 

They hang out with the kids, listen to their testimonies, play soccer with them— Christen would coach one of the teams and Channing the other, and they’d spend part of their afternoon playing friendlies against each other. They go on a safari on their second day there, and enjoy the local food and culture at night before heading back to their hotel room to sleep. 

Overall, the sisters have a great time together— Christen hadn’t really spent that much time with Channing this past year and this is exactly what both of them needed— and they both feel refreshed and happy with each other, their bond as strong as it’s ever been.

So it’s really strange when it happens. 

It’s the night before their last day in South Africa, and Christen’s been so happy these past few days— she’s had so much fun and it was such a great and fulfilling experience— that she’s not sure of how or why it just pops up out of nowhere. 

Maybe today’s one of those few bad days in which it affects her more than usual. They come and go, but nonetheless, they’re still there.

Maybe it was the fact that she’s been wanting to share those girl’s stories with Tobin _so badly—_ just to know what she thinks of them— but she couldn’t, because they hadn’t so much as exchanged a “ _hey, how’ve you been?”_ for over three weeks and Tobin doesn’t seem to mind at all but it’s _killing_ Christen because _she cares too much and she feels that she shouldn’t because it’s stupid,_ but she can’t help it.

Maybe it’s because she’s losing the last bit of hope that she had for them. Because she’s come to genuinely felt that she lost her only shot. Or that she probably never really had one. That maybe Tobin was just confused about them but realized she’s not interested anymore.

After her and Channing have dinner and they head to their hotel room, she’s feeling torn again. But in a different way, now. In a hopeless way.

She tries to stay calm as she sits down on her bed, closing her eyes and taking deep, steady, breaths. She can’t see her face, but she can feel her sister’s concern— and when she asks her what’s wrong, Christen doesn’t know what to answer.

She opens her eyes and looks at her sister helplessly, biting her lip and trying to hold back her tears, and when Channing sees her fragile disposition, she takes a sit next to her  on the bed and puts an arm around her, ready to comfort her.

“I’m in love, Chan,” Christen replies, and when she finishes the sentence— when she says the words she’s been holding back for months now— she starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Her sister says nothing, she just holds her tightly and runs her fingers through Christen’s hair while she cries every single tear she hasn’t cried over Tobin since she started feeling reassured that they would somehow make their relationship work.

She feels so stupid. She has come to wish that she never felt this way for the midfielder uncountable times— but every time she does, she knows that she doesn’t regret it after all, that she doesn’t really want to let go of it. 

It’s some sort of self-destructive addiction that the sensible part of her knows she should get away from, get rid of— but she’s tried so many times and she only ended up hurting the people she tried to date when she realized they were not what she was actually looking for. 

She never told them— and she never would— but she just never felt the same type of devotion for them. Sure, she cared deeply for them, but it was not the same sensation she got whenever Tobin interacted with her in a _platonic_ but very uniquely _Tobin_ way. 

She felt like a complete bitch over that, and after a few tries, she decided she’d just stop dating people because she knew it was not okay to jump into a relationship with someone you’re not willing to give your all to because there’s something— or someone— holding you back.

When she calms down a little bit, Channing speaks up.

“Is it Tobin?” she asks, and to say Christen is surprised is an understatement.

“How do you k—”

“Chris, it was all over your face that one time she came over in December,” Channing mumbles, slightly amused that her sister thought she wouldn’t notice, “and I can also hear it in your voice whenever you talk about her…”

“Yes, it’s Tobin," Christen sighs, "we… I thought we had a chance,” she says wistfully, shaking her head and laughing at herself humorlessly.

“Tell me what happened,” Channing says softly, letting her sister sit up and watching her intently.

“We… well, this is mortifying,” Christen says, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand, a mix of embarrassment, sadness and regret on her face, “but we… uhh— we had sex. Back in August. We were drunk when it happened, and we even talked about it, but— ugh, everything is _so_ complicated.

“She has a girlfriend in France and we agreed that we’d stay friends until she broke up with her and see how it goes from there, and everything was okay… actually, I’d even say that everything was _great._ She called me up the night after Tyler’s wedding asking if we were okay because, according to her, I was acting distant. Chan, she got _worried_ about us”, Christen says exasperatedly, shaking her head and letting out a wet laugh.

“Okay, what went wrong, then?” Channing asks, tilting her head in a confused way.

“Everything was okay until the Men’s National Team played against Costa Rica and… I didn't mean to, but I was going through twitter and they— maybe it’s not what I think and I _know_ it’s a super stupid thing but— _I think they’re still together—_ and they made some sort of bet where there was _“a lot on the line”_ and— and _why the fuck did she lead me on and confuse me when I didn’t even have a fucking chance?_ ”, the forward asks, her voice laced with hurt and anger.

Her sister watches her with a pensive look on her face, and as she doesn’t make a move to say anything, Christen continues.

“So I tried to distance myself from her during last camp but I could tell that she was sad and nobody seemed to care and… everything’s been pretty crazy for her lately, you know, and… and _I love her_ , I care about her. And I swear that I saw her light up when we hung out together so I just… I wanted to see her happy and I got close again. But then she left early without even saying goodbye or telling me she was leaving and I wondered if she even cared about me… and I felt so dramatic and I hated it so much because I _hate_ being needy.

“But when we were in the White House everything went back to being okay, and she was all warm and nice and goofy and we took a _damn picture_ together and— and she accidentally brushed my butt and I said something flirty and she seemed to be affected by it, but then she hasn’t sent a single text this past month and— _she is so confusing!_ I don’t even know what to do anymore!” Christen whines, taking deep breaths after her long rant and watching her sister, who was still eying her with a reflective gaze.

“Why don’t you give her a call?” Channing asks, simply, seemingly unfazed by having watched her sister go from destroyed, to hurt, to angry and to frustrated.

“What?” Christen scoffs, “you want me to call her?” she asks, momentarily shocked by Channing’s suggestion.

“I know it sounds stupid but it’s the best thing you can do, Chris,” Channing explains as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “I know she hasn’t reached out but have you thought that maybe she hasn’t done it for a reason?”

“Well, what could that reason be?” Christen ponders, really considering into thought what her little sister just said, and Channing just shrugs her shoulders in response.

“I wouldn’t know. But you two haven’t spoken this whole month, so she may she think that you’re just tired of waiting around for her and is too scared to find out. I know you must be exhausted of putting yourself out there not getting anything back since you’re definitely not one to do that, but do you have anything to lose if you try one last time?” she asks, putting a hand on Christen’s arms encouragingly.

“I’d say my dignity but I feel that I don’t have any left,” Christen says, laughing at her self-deprecating joke. She was starting to consider that it was a good idea.

“Oh, come on,” Channing says, laughing along, “you need answers, sis. Some closure. It’d be sad if you find out she decided she wants to stay with her girlfriend, but you _also_ told me that she called you to ask if you two were okay, so I don’t really think that’s the case. Just give her a call. Check up on her. Be a friend. I don’t know, maybe you’ll find out if she does or doesn’t want you. She’d be a moron not to—just saying.” she mumbles, grabbing Christen’s hand and gripping it lightly, “I’ll be here if you need to do more crying,” she says, giving her sister a hug and getting up from the bed, heading over to the balcony their hotel room had.

“Where are you going?” Christen asks in confusion, having expected her sister to go to her bed instead of outside.

“I’m going to meditate for a bit until you’re done with your call,” she winks at her, and then disappears in the night air. 

Christen wonders how or when her little sister got so wise, but then she remembers that _she had gone_ to India to take a Vedic Meditation course, and assumes that she may have become a real guru during her stay there.

She decides she’ll get ready for bed before calling Tobin, the anticipation of it too intense for her, requiring some relaxing activity to be done before she could go through with it.

Once she has showered (a bath would’ve been too much and taken too long), dressed, and brushed her teeth, she grabs her phone and sighs.

She looks for Tobin’s contact and ponders whether she wants to give her just a call or if she wants to FaceTime her. She misses her teammate’s face, and she thinks that it’d be easier to tell how Tobin feels if she gets to see her face, so FaceTime it is.

She hits the video button in Tobin’s contact and fixes her hair while the tone rings and she can see herself on her phone’s screen, and she’s surprised when she sees the midfielder staring at her from the other side sooner than she expected.

Tobin has bags under her eyes and seems to have lost some weight— and Christen’s heart aches at the sight.

“Hey,” Tobin says, and she sounds so scared—small, even— and Christen wonders what may be going through the other girl’s mind to make her look and sound so distressed.

“Hi, Tobs,” Christen says, smiling at her teammate and seeing how the expression in her face changes from nervous and on-edge to a slightly more relaxed one, “how have you been?” she asks, realizing that talking to Tobin was not as hard at all— that _recruiting the courage she needed to call her_ was, and she’d have to thank Channing for that.

“Oh, I’m alright,” Tobin says— almost dismissively— and Christen knows she’s lying but she lets it slip past her.

“I’m glad,” the forward says, smiling as genuinely as she could, knowing that Tobin was lying and pretending to be okay, as usual, “I was just calling to check up on you. We haven’t talked in a while and I was wondering if you were doing okay,” she explains, and something it Tobin’s expressions shifts after hearing that.

“Can I be honest to you?” the midfielder asks after a small pause, and she sounds the exact same way she did the night she asked Christen to give her some time— desperate, trying to keep her composure but slowly losing it.

“Of course you can,” Christen replies, sounding about as torn as she feels by watching the midfielder purse her lips with a disheartened look etched on her features.

“I’m a mess,” Tobin says, her voice breaking and her lips trembling, “Chris…” Tobin says, sounding helpless and looking at Christen with such sad eyes that Christen feels her heart shatter by just looking at them, “Chris, look, I’m so sorry I didn’t call. I’ve just— I feel so fucking selfish and I’m so sorry about that— a lot has happened and this month went by too quickly, and when I noticed that I acted like a complete asshole I just thought that you’d be better off without me but— can I— would you let me explain?” Tobin says, and even though it wavers at the end, there’s such an urgency in her voice that all Christen can do is nod and stare at the midfielder through her screen.

“Do you know Lindsey Horan?” Tobin asks, and when Christen confirms that she does, the midfielder continues, “I came to her apartment the first week of November to finish things off with Shirley. It was so sad, you know? How we spent three years together and at the end… I don’t know— it just feels like— like such a waste. 

“I put so much effort into that relationship, and now that it’s over I realize that it was never even worth it and… Chris, I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. Maybe I never did. She used to be so lovely but then she became so possessive and demanding and— it just wasn’t healthy. I tried to put up with her because I loved her but it really sickened me. And no matter how many times I tried to break up with her, she wouldn’t have it. We were on a break for a while because she said that I just _“needed time”_ to figure out that she was _“the love of my life”._ Even though I’ve known for a while now that she’s not. It just didn’t feel right,” Tobin rambles, her thoughts seeming to go through her mind so fast that her mouth couldn’t keep up with them.

“How did she take it?” Christen asks wearily, not really knowing what to expect as an answer, but knowing it was not a good thing by Tobin’s detached appearance.

“She took it as a joke at first. And— and then she got really mad. She asked me who I was leaving her for— and I ended up telling her that I have feelings for you,” Tobin says, with tears in her eyes, “I told her that I couldn’t help the way you make me feel— and then she says that she saw it coming and—” the midfielder breaks down right there and starts sobbing.

“Tobin…” Christen says, wishing she could be next to her to hold her, “you don’t have to talk about it if it upsets you so much,” Christen says, trying to keep her voice soothing even though she was breaking on the inside as well.

“She cheated on me, Chris,” Tobin manages to say through the sobs, “she cheated on me many times and said that she did it because I was never around and I didn’t pay enough attention to her!” Tobin cries, and Christen feels devastated for her.

“Oh my god,” the forward gasps, not believing her ears, “do you know when that was?” Christen asks, knowing that it has to have been very severe for Tobin to be bawling like this.

“Ever since I transferred back to Portland.” Tobin murmurs through her tears, and Christen’s jaw drops in disbelief, “I sent her flowers, even _letters_ over the mail, I went to visit as much as I could despite barely having any time and she had the nerve to blame me for not paying her enough attention?! I just— Chris, I had _feelings_ for you when we had sex and I was _sure_ that things weren’t working out with her anymore, but when Shirley cheated on me I was trying so hard to give her all of my love and show her how much I cared and she still did it! And she did it with people she didn’t even have feelings for—” she whimpers, hiding her face behind her arms.

Christen doesn’t really know what to say. She’s still shocked by the fact that _Tobin_ , sweet, lovely and goofy Tobin was cheated on. She can’t believe that someone wouldn’t treasure the midfielder the way Christen thinks she should be, when the girl is all that the forward could ever wish for.

“Oh, Tobin…” Christen sighs, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes as well.

“And then there’s Alex, Chris,” Tobin says, and Christen’s heart only breaks further over the crying girl, “Not only am I losing Lauren on the National Team but also Alex in Portland and— what the hell is happening?” Tobin says, and the forward is, without a doubt, absolutely glad that she called to check up on her.

“Tobs, it’ll all be alright,” Christen soothes as convincingly as she could, but not quite nailing it.

“I’m trying to believe in that, you know. I really am, but how am I gonna be alright when everything is changing so fast and I feel like I can’t keep up with it?” Tobin asks, scared and despaired.

“I’m here for you, Tobin.” Christen soothes, and even though she didn’t manage to sound too sure of her words the last time she spoke, there is not a single trace of a doubt when these come out of her mouth.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve you,” Tobin says, shaking her head and looking at Christen with adoring and amazed teary eyes.

“Don’t say that,” Christen scolds her, and even though it’s something she’s tried to force herself to believe in on her worst days, she never could because she _knows_ that Tobin deserves her more than anyone. If she didn’t, she would’ve never gotten her heart. “You’re an amazing person, Tobs. You never mean harm to anyone and—”

“You’re too good to me—” the midfielder lets out, choked up, “why?” she whispers, shaking her head at the girl on the other side of her screen.

“I’d tell you why but— I know it would be too much right now,” Christen replies, and she smiles a little when she sees the realization sink over Tobin’s features.

“Chris—” Tobin starts, but Christen doesn’t let her finish.

“Tobin, listen,” she says, and she’s terrified to open up but Channing was right, she needed some closure and she was going to get some, “I’m not going to lie, I felt really sad when you didn’t reach out but— you know that I get insecure sometimes, and I thought that you and Shirley got back together and I literally lost every last bit of hope I had for us. You just confused me so much by acting hot and cold since last camp, and when you stopped texting me after what happened in the White House I just— I thought it was over,” Christen says, and she feels so raw and exposed after saying it, but she feels peaceful as well.

“I was planning to call you after I came back from Paris but— what I ended up finding out knocked me out so badly that I didn’t realize two weeks had gone by and when I did—” Tobin swallows, guilt evident on her face, “I felt so bad for being such an asshole, Chris. I felt like such a self-absorbed idiot and I was so scared that you’d be mad at me— and with everything that’s been going on I just didn’t want to confirm it because… you’re the only good thing I feel I have left and I didn’t want to find out I lost you as well,” she manages to utter with a shaky voice, tears streaming down her face once again.

Christen is quiet as she feels a lot of different emotions at the same time. Sadness, helplessness, empathy, relief, hope. Tobin cares about her. She may not be the best at showing it, but she does. And now that Christen knows it’s true, she doesn’t know what to say or what to do.

“Christen?” Tobin mumbles, and she sounds so uncertain that Christen feels bad for having zoned out after Tobin, who never does this kind of thing, poured her feelings out for her.

“It’s okay, baby—” Christen says, without really thinking, and the endearment may have slipped because Tobin is looking at her with such a fragile expression that she unconsciously wanted to say something—anything — to calm her down, “sorry—” she apologizes quickly when she realizes what she said, but when Tobin’s looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars she’s not sure if she should’ve, “you didn’t lose me. That’s very silly of you to think because I— I care too much about you,” Christen says, and she’s blushing because she almost had another slip-up.

“I care a lot about you, too,” Tobin says, and when Christen sees Tobin’s eyes light up while she looks at her over the screen and the small, shy, smile on her lips— an actual happy look on Tobin’s face despite her tear-stained cheeks— she knows that Tobin means it in the same way.

And she’s not going to reproach her anything. Not when everything that was holding them back from being together was over. All of the struggling she went through this past month didn’t mean a thing anymore now that they’ve talked and that she knows that they’re okay. Christen didn’t need to worry about whether she had a chance with Tobin anymore, because the look on Tobin’s face was enough to prove that she did.

She smiles back at Tobin and is suddenly filled with excitement over remembering something.

“Wanna hang out with me in Hawaii next camp?” Christen asks with a smile on her face, sitting up straight on her bed and trying to shift the mood to a happier one.

When she sees Tobin beaming back at her in that beautiful way Christen loves so much and her disposition change completely, she knows that things will only start to go right from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so mad at Tobin while writing this whole chapter, oh my god. But I felt so sorry for her as well. Please don't hate her too much. She was seriously struggling.  
> PS: don't worry, things will only go Up&Up from here! ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Liked it? Hated it? Curious to know what happens next?
> 
> You can comment or let me know what you think at kiss-mx.tumblr.com! (:


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